/ Ridiculous job titles

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Le Sapeur 10 Feb 2020

I'll start with an obvious one...

Brand ambassador.   Just awful.

This one is currently being advertised in Skye....

"Fairy Pools Facility Operative".....   Turns out it's a car park attendant.

neilh 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Once met an “assistant bank managers assistant “ for a mortgage. Had to laugh 

mondite 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Software architect.

Scrum master.

8
wercat 10 Feb 2020
nniff 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I met a lady who worked for L2 Communications.  Her business card announced that she was  the 'Vice President, Global Peace and Security'.  I thought, "Good luck with that"

Dax H 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Not sure when but sales people now all seem to be business development managers now. 

Financial advisors seem to be Wealth investment managers now too. 

brianjcooper 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Senior Helpdesk Analyst.  

4
Ben_Climber 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I knew a lad who was a pot washer at a pub when he was younger.

He liked to call himself an"Underwater Ceramic Technician"

elliot.baker 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I used to have "Client Liaison Officer" as my job title doing telesales as a temp in Oz...

Sam W 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I briefly held the role of 'Interim Sludge Manager', people didn't usually want to find out more about what the job involved.

yorkshireman 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

My last job title was 'Digital Acceleration Manager'.

PaulJepson 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

When I was younger I spent some time as an anti-shelf-exhaustion officer. 

cyberpunk 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Front of House Operations Manager = Secretary

birdie num num 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Me and Mrs Num Num are in the Iron and Steel business. She irons, and I steal.

3
MonkeyPuzzle 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

The other half works in housing for the council and there is a Making Best Use of Stock Officer.

jon 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Not a job title as such, but I remember a mate saying that his girlfriend's father was 'something big in fudge'

joeruckus 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I saw a UK University appoint a position called "Associate Vice-President for Major Special Projects". Sounds like someone hired their cousin / nephew / niece and wanted to make sure his/her mum & dad would be suitably impressed, i.e. not actually a real job. Probably on double the average uni lecturer salary tbf.

Mal Grey 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I worked for someone once who gave himself the grand title of "Global Director of Brand, Strategy and Design". He was the marketing manager for a small business with 2 shops in southern England, but worked from home in Vancouver half the month.

Blue Straggler 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I am a “Proposals Specialist”.

Disappointingly, perhaps, this does not at all involve being paid for coaching hopeful would-be spouses on how to tip the odds in their favour by popping the big question in a scenario where it’s hard to say no, like on a fantastic holiday or something. Cos that would be EAAAAASY. 

Alkis 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Mal Grey:

I worked for a company that had a Global President. 'Nuff said.

Alkis 10 Feb 2020
In reply to mondite:

Well, Software Architect is not that stupid in really big companies with really big projects, where that particular software engineer is employed *only* to design and oversee the overall software architecture and nothing else. At least it is (or is supposed to be) descriptive of a particular job role.

4
RomTheBear 10 Feb 2020
In reply to neilh:

> Once met an “assistant bank managers assistant “ for a mortgage. Had to laugh 

I used to be ”Vice president” in a company of 100 people. We had 35 Vice Presidents :-p

I suppose it gave customers the impression they were ”special” and got to speak to the important people. Didn't work that long.

Post edited at 18:53
Liamhutch89 10 Feb 2020

Metallurgical fusion engineer 

captain paranoia 10 Feb 2020
In reply to nniff:

> Vice President, Global Peace and Security

That will be 'VP, things that kill people and blow shit to oblivion', I suspect.

jockster 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

"Teacher" in most schools

14
trouserburp 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Once had a presentation from a Dream architect

Clarence 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I am currently a Customer Returns Outcome Decision Maker Specialist which means I open boxes and decide whether the contents go into the skip, for refurb or back on the shelf. Still, its 50p an hour more than a non specialist doing it.

Fozzy 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

“Nail Technician”; sticking plastic claws on chavs doesn’t make you a technician. 

3
Timmd 10 Feb 2020
In reply to jockster:

> "Teacher" in most schools

Explain...?

Post edited at 21:14
1
Blue Straggler 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Timmd:

> Explain...?

You really need it explained, or are you being counter-provocative? They are trying to claim that children don’t LEARN in schools but only TRAIN to earn results FOR THE SCHOOL. 

9
ena sharples 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Barista. Whatever....

Clarence 10 Feb 2020
In reply to ena sharples:

A mate of mine describes himself as a barista, he hates me a little more every time I introduce him as "the tea lady".

ianstevens 10 Feb 2020
In reply to joeruckus:

> I saw a UK University appoint a position called "Associate Vice-President for Major Special Projects". Sounds like someone hired their cousin / nephew / niece and wanted to make sure his/her mum & dad would be suitably impressed, i.e. not actually a real job. Probably on double the average uni lecturer salary tbf.

Double?? Such a prestigious admin role would be paid at least 5 times a lecturer’s salary, if not more. 

Timmd 10 Feb 2020
In reply to Blue Straggler:

> You really need it explained, or are you being counter-provocative? They are trying to claim that children don’t LEARN in schools but only TRAIN to earn results FOR THE SCHOOL. 

You've read more into it than I did.

I was just puzzled at what they meant, I could have elaborated further in hindsight. I probably wouldn't have asked really when I think about it though, it's not that important in the scheme of things. 

Post edited at 23:28
jasonC abroad 11 Feb 2020
In reply to mondite:

> Software architect.

> Scrum master.


Working with excellent examples of both of those jobs at the moment, can't see how they are ridiculous job titles.  Certainly worked with some bad Scrum Masters though

1
Michael Hood 11 Feb 2020
In reply to joeruckus:

> I saw a UK University appoint a position called "Associate Vice-President for Major Special Projects".

Did they have an Associate Vice-President for Minor Special Projects?

Or Major Normal Projects?

Etc 😁

Post edited at 08:04
wercat 11 Feb 2020
In reply to ena sharples:

when it is pronounced the same as "barrister" it is ridiculous

Babika 11 Feb 2020
In reply to jasonC abroad:

> Working with excellent examples of both of those jobs at the moment, can't see how they are ridiculous job titles.  Certainly worked with some bad Scrum Masters though

The first time I saw a Scrum Master job advert I thought it was hilarious. Mainly because the advert was such tosh and MBA babble. 

Then a friend told me they have an Agility Coach at work and I decided that companies really have lost the plot

SiWood 11 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I saw one on a cv recently that said "sandwich artist" - working at Subway !!!

(possibly not in the same way that Van Gogh and Monet were artists)

LastBoyScout 11 Feb 2020
In reply to Dax H:

> Not sure when but sales people now all seem to be business development managers now. 

My wife is a business development manager. Her job is to follow up leads, establish initial contact and build up towards and through the first sales to a new customer. Eventually, the customer will get handed over to an account manager for the longer term.

peppermill 12 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

> I'll start with an obvious one...

> Brand ambassador.   Just awful.

Yes i seemed to bump into a few of those at Kendal Film Festival last year in the pub. Mostly introduced themselves as 'Brand ambassador for [Insert obscure tshirt/hat brand]' Puke.

colinakmc 12 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Any used by contenders on the Apprentice.

johncook 12 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Senior road planner. If you live in Rotherham you will know why this is ridiculous!

Blue Straggler 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Does "influencer" count (where "influencer" ranges all the way from "got lucky with a YouTube channel and got rich like Pew Pew", to the modern equivalent of the "actress/model/whatever"), or is it exempt as it is somewhat self-employment and not an official title but a generic one thrust on these people by a media that needs a catch-all term?

1
Babika 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Fozzy:

> “Nail Technician”; sticking plastic claws on chavs doesn’t make you a technician. 

Shows how little you know. They don't stick plastic nails on at all. They use a gradual build up of acrylic which is then shaped and painted to customers spec.

Whatever you think of the outcome its a skilled job and technician seems very appropriate

10
Ridge 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Babika:

> Then a friend told me they have an Agility Coach at work and I decided that companies really have lost the plot

I'm training my lurcher to attack anyone who describes themselves as "agile" in a business context. Then we'll see how agile they are.

I am apparently now a "Technical Functional Manager", which seems baffling. I do technical, can just about function and almost manage myself most days. 

I await my conscription to the 'Leadership Academy" with bated breath...

1
Trangia 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

"Prime Minister" for Clown

1
FactorXXX 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Ridge:

> I am apparently now a "Technical Functional Manager", which seems baffling. I do technical, can just about function and almost manage myself most days. 

Does that make you a 'Technical Fun Man'?

Ridge 13 Feb 2020
In reply to FactorXXX:

> Does that make you a 'Technical Fun Man'?

 I like that! I shall update my email signature block with that and a suitably wanky motivational quote first thing tomorrow.

This may be the quickest demotion in the companies history.

Timmd 13 Feb 2020
In reply to Ridge:

> I'm training my lurcher to attack anyone who describes themselves as "agile" in a business context. Then we'll see how agile they are.

A relative unofficially banned corporate speak in their office from hating it, nobody used it thanks to email replies along the lines of 'Blue sky thinking?' being sent in response.

'I'm buggered if I'm having that in my office' was their sentiment, long lunches were fine, but corporate speak wasn't.

Post edited at 21:12
squarepeg 14 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Somebody I once knew of, who answered the phone in a taxi office, said he was a "fleet vehicle despatch manager"

toad 14 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

For 6 months my job title was "World of Work Liaison Officer"

French Erick 15 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Seeing as though your alias is French, this one has a long established history in the “hexagone”.

technicien / technicienne de surface (tends to be more of a female role traditionally but thankfully those boundaries are being truly blurred in this progressist age- entirely non sarcastically meant).

See what multilingual Brits can make of this! A post almost as old as the world but not the one your dirty minds thought about! That would be a “technicienne de convivialité”

Doug 15 Feb 2020
In reply to French Erick:

aka 'femme de ménage' - does the phrase 'homme de ménage' exist ? I've never seen it written or heard it said

French Erick 15 Feb 2020
In reply to Doug:

Spot on and no! He would be a technicien de surface

Philb1950 15 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

A friend of mine calls them bullshit jobs and his list would outrage UKC users

lithos 17 Feb 2020
In reply to French Erick:

cleaner ?  surfaces need to be serviced too :0) 

Pete Pozman 17 Feb 2020
In reply to jockster:

> "Teacher" in most schools

Visited a lot of schools have you? I have and I've watched a lot of teachers work. Almost all teachers are actual heroes. "Resilience" is now a desirable attribute for teaching; no wonder when the majority of the adult population are told teachers are a waste of space, then pass the sentiment on to their children.

knillmic 17 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

i'm seeing lots of workers wearing 'director' jackets in the local shop. weird thing, every time i go there different people are 'directors'.

eroica64 18 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I have just come across a Head of Awareness in a US company who has a PR role.Another one is Head of Customer Success. And no, I don't know what it means either .

dovebiker 18 Feb 2020

I once worked on the programme to build Astute submarines. During one re-arrangement of the deck-chairs, they decided to organise the production of the boat into a front, middle and rear, or forward, mid and aft.

A key aspect of designing and building a submarine is making sure you get the holes in the right place and the various bits of kit and equipment that needs to poke through, these are called "penetrations" and someone assigned to each part of the build to look after them.  

There was a series of organisation charts produced, with these roles clearly identified, the best of them being the "Aft Penetrations Manager". Sadly the job titles were changed prior to advertising. 

Sean_J 19 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I know of "Marine coatings and heating technician" being used on a CV... in reference to a summer job that they had at the local chippy. Genius!

Gavalanche 19 Feb 2020
In reply to nniff:

Almost as bad as giving Tony Blair the title of middle east peace envoy 

1
Rigid Raider 19 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Recently in a town centre I saw an ad stuck in a window offering a job as "sandwich technician".

wercat 19 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I quite liked something I kept seeing in internal news about the "Director of the MAD" back in the 80s.

MAD being Military Aircraft Division - I rather thought it was  the Civil sites having a laugh at us.

wercat 19 Feb 2020
In reply to Sean_J:

that could get you into deep water

elsewhere 19 Feb 2020
In reply to wercat:

> I quite liked something I kept seeing in internal news about the "Director of the MAD" back in the 80s.

> MAD being Military Aircraft Division - I rather thought it was  the Civil sites having a laugh at us.

Those CADs!

Post edited at 10:00
DancingOnRock 19 Feb 2020
In reply to RomTheBear:

This is common in banking. A bank manager is a manager of a bank, then you have area and regional managers above them. 

This creates problems at regional offices, as they can’t call people who work in the office, managers, as they need some kind of title that is above manager because they’re getting paid more than bank, regional and area managers. 

They’re not high enough to be directors

You end up with a whole office of VPs because that’s their pay grade rather than their job.

At least that’s how I understand it. 

Post edited at 21:20
RomTheBear 19 Feb 2020
In reply to DancingOnRock:

It wasn’t a bank, it was a software start up

Morty 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Associate Assistant Vice Principal...

Andy Hardy 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I'm guessing automation has, sadly, robbed the world of the "Saggar Maker's Bottom Knocker" as a job title.

Neil Williams 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Babika:

> The first time I saw a Scrum Master job advert I thought it was hilarious. Mainly because the advert was such tosh and MBA babble. 

> Then a friend told me they have an Agility Coach at work and I decided that companies really have lost the plot

They both sound ridiculous, but Scrum is actually a pretty good software development methodology when done properly, and a "Scrum Master" is just an expert in that who can guide you in how to get the best out of it.  I've got a qualification in it, FWIW, though it's not in my job title, which is the fairly bland and meaningless "Senior Technical Consultant".

steveb2006 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Always thought Galactic Coordinator would be a great job title - especially if you are in Pembroke : ).

With possible promotion to Senior GC.

DancingOnRock 20 Feb 2020
In reply to RomTheBear:

Just saying it’s common in banking and explaining why. What was the background of the people who set the company up? We’re they trying to attract workers with a particular background? 

RomTheBear 20 Feb 2020
In reply to DancingOnRock:

> What was the background of the people who set the company up? 

Their background was to be professional crooks

Post edited at 16:41
RomTheBear 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Babika:

> Then a friend told me they have an Agility Coach at work and I decided that companies really have lost the plot

I have come to the conclusion that all these methodologies have for only purpose to make organisations full of mediocre staff function more or less ok.


Which, in itself, is no mean feat.

Post edited at 16:51
wercat 20 Feb 2020
In reply to steveb2006:

> Always thought Galactic Coordinator would be a great job title

I felt a bit weird when I joined the "Dimensional Control Department" back in 1983, too soon after HHGTTG perhaps

Post edited at 17:19
lone 20 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I used to work in a supermarket and the cleaning company was called Data Control Services, and when the customer service lady called them over the tannoy system she had to say " Could a Data Control Specialist go to the toilet roll aisle please" 

L

wercat 21 Feb 2020
In reply to lone:

to clean up a Core Dump?

Ava Adore 21 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I am a Project Engineer.  No-one could be further from an Engineer than me.  It is a project management role

Dom Brown 21 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I once had the job title "ICT Technology Implementation Lead" it really irritated me that either the T or Technology were redundant.

I'm currently called "Digital Solutions Delivery Manager" which is only slightly less ridiculous.

Wingnut 21 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

I've been a  Clone Proving Solution Developer.

Yohan 21 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Underwater ceramics expert. Ie dishwasher

Post edited at 16:04
Wingeing Old Git 22 Feb 2020
In reply to jockster:

> "Teacher" in most schools

During a long career in teaching I often left parents' meetings think that my job title was "merchant banker."

harley.marshall8 24 Feb 2020
In reply to Le Sapeur:

Outdoor holidays operations assistant for a large conservation charity, or better known as Campsite Assistant 


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