UKH

I'll start with an obvious one...

Brand ambassador.   Just awful.

This one is currently being advertised in Skye....

"Fairy Pools Facility Operative".....   Turns out it's a car park attendant.

Once met an “assistant bank managers assistant “ for a mortgage. Had to laugh 

Software architect.

Scrum master.

Director of "Better"?

https://www.theguardian.com/media/mediamonkeyblog/2015/apr/01/bbc-bdirector...

I met a lady who worked for L2 Communications.  Her business card announced that she was  the 'Vice President, Global Peace and Security'.  I thought, "Good luck with that"

Not sure when but sales people now all seem to be business development managers now. 

Financial advisors seem to be Wealth investment managers now too. 

Senior Helpdesk Analyst.  

I knew a lad who was a pot washer at a pub when he was younger.

He liked to call himself an"Underwater Ceramic Technician"

I used to have "Client Liaison Officer" as my job title doing telesales as a temp in Oz...

I briefly held the role of 'Interim Sludge Manager', people didn't usually want to find out more about what the job involved.

My last job title was 'Digital Acceleration Manager'.

When I was younger I spent some time as an anti-shelf-exhaustion officer. 

Front of House Operations Manager = Secretary

Me and Mrs Num Num are in the Iron and Steel business. She irons, and I steal.

The other half works in housing for the council and there is a Making Best Use of Stock Officer.

Not a job title as such, but I remember a mate saying that his girlfriend's father was 'something big in fudge'

I saw a UK University appoint a position called "Associate Vice-President for Major Special Projects". Sounds like someone hired their cousin / nephew / niece and wanted to make sure his/her mum & dad would be suitably impressed, i.e. not actually a real job. Probably on double the average uni lecturer salary tbf.

I worked for someone once who gave himself the grand title of "Global Director of Brand, Strategy and Design". He was the marketing manager for a small business with 2 shops in southern England, but worked from home in Vancouver half the month.

I am a “Proposals Specialist”.

Disappointingly, perhaps, this does not at all involve being paid for coaching hopeful would-be spouses on how to tip the odds in their favour by popping the big question in a scenario where it’s hard to say no, like on a fantastic holiday or something. Cos that would be EAAAAASY. 

I worked for a company that had a Global President. 'Nuff said.

Well, Software Architect is not that stupid in really big companies with really big projects, where that particular software engineer is employed *only* to design and oversee the overall software architecture and nothing else. At least it is (or is supposed to be) descriptive of a particular job role.

I used to be ”Vice president” in a company of 100 people. We had 35 Vice Presidents :-p

I suppose it gave customers the impression they were ”special” and got to speak to the important people. Didn't work that long.

Metallurgical fusion engineer 

That will be 'VP, things that kill people and blow shit to oblivion', I suspect.

"Teacher" in most schools

Once had a presentation from a Dream architect

I am currently a Customer Returns Outcome Decision Maker Specialist which means I open boxes and decide whether the contents go into the skip, for refurb or back on the shelf. Still, its 50p an hour more than a non specialist doing it.

“Nail Technician”; sticking plastic claws on chavs doesn’t make you a technician. 

Explain...?

You really need it explained, or are you being counter-provocative? They are trying to claim that children don’t LEARN in schools but only TRAIN to earn results FOR THE SCHOOL. 

Barista. Whatever....

A mate of mine describes himself as a barista, he hates me a little more every time I introduce him as "the tea lady".

Double?? Such a prestigious admin role would be paid at least 5 times a lecturer’s salary, if not more. 

You've read more into it than I did.

I was just puzzled at what they meant, I could have elaborated further in hindsight. I probably wouldn't have asked really when I think about it though, it's not that important in the scheme of things. 

Working with excellent examples of both of those jobs at the moment, can't see how they are ridiculous job titles.  Certainly worked with some bad Scrum Masters though

Did they have an Associate Vice-President for Minor Special Projects?

Or Major Normal Projects?

Etc 😁

when it is pronounced the same as "barrister" it is ridiculous

The first time I saw a Scrum Master job advert I thought it was hilarious. Mainly because the advert was such tosh and MBA babble. 

Then a friend told me they have an Agility Coach at work and I decided that companies really have lost the plot

I saw one on a cv recently that said "sandwich artist" - working at Subway !!!

(possibly not in the same way that Van Gogh and Monet were artists)

My wife is a business development manager. Her job is to follow up leads, establish initial contact and build up towards and through the first sales to a new customer. Eventually, the customer will get handed over to an account manager for the longer term.

Yes i seemed to bump into a few of those at Kendal Film Festival last year in the pub. Mostly introduced themselves as 'Brand ambassador for [Insert obscure tshirt/hat brand]' Puke.

Any used by contenders on the Apprentice.

Senior road planner. If you live in Rotherham you will know why this is ridiculous!

Does "influencer" count (where "influencer" ranges all the way from "got lucky with a YouTube channel and got rich like Pew Pew", to the modern equivalent of the "actress/model/whatever"), or is it exempt as it is somewhat self-employment and not an official title but a generic one thrust on these people by a media that needs a catch-all term?

Shows how little you know. They don't stick plastic nails on at all. They use a gradual build up of acrylic which is then shaped and painted to customers spec.

Whatever you think of the outcome its a skilled job and technician seems very appropriate

I'm training my lurcher to attack anyone who describes themselves as "agile" in a business context. Then we'll see how agile they are.

I am apparently now a "Technical Functional Manager", which seems baffling. I do technical, can just about function and almost manage myself most days. 

I await my conscription to the 'Leadership Academy" with bated breath...

"Prime Minister" for Clown

Does that make you a 'Technical Fun Man'?

 I like that! I shall update my email signature block with that and a suitably wanky motivational quote first thing tomorrow.

This may be the quickest demotion in the companies history.

A relative unofficially banned corporate speak in their office from hating it, nobody used it thanks to email replies along the lines of 'Blue sky thinking?' being sent in response.

'I'm buggered if I'm having that in my office' was their sentiment, long lunches were fine, but corporate speak wasn't.

Somebody I once knew of, who answered the phone in a taxi office, said he was a "fleet vehicle despatch manager"

For 6 months my job title was "World of Work Liaison Officer"

Seeing as though your alias is French, this one has a long established history in the “hexagone”.

technicien / technicienne de surface (tends to be more of a female role traditionally but thankfully those boundaries are being truly blurred in this progressist age- entirely non sarcastically meant).

See what multilingual Brits can make of this! A post almost as old as the world but not the one your dirty minds thought about! That would be a “technicienne de convivialité”

aka 'femme de ménage' - does the phrase 'homme de ménage' exist ? I've never seen it written or heard it said

Spot on and no! He would be a technicien de surface

A friend of mine calls them bullshit jobs and his list would outrage UKC users

cleaner ?  surfaces need to be serviced too :0) 

Visited a lot of schools have you? I have and I've watched a lot of teachers work. Almost all teachers are actual heroes. "Resilience" is now a desirable attribute for teaching; no wonder when the majority of the adult population are told teachers are a waste of space, then pass the sentiment on to their children.

i'm seeing lots of workers wearing 'director' jackets in the local shop. weird thing, every time i go there different people are 'directors'.

I have just come across a Head of Awareness in a US company who has a PR role.Another one is Head of Customer Success. And no, I don't know what it means either .

I once worked on the programme to build Astute submarines. During one re-arrangement of the deck-chairs, they decided to organise the production of the boat into a front, middle and rear, or forward, mid and aft.

A key aspect of designing and building a submarine is making sure you get the holes in the right place and the various bits of kit and equipment that needs to poke through, these are called "penetrations" and someone assigned to each part of the build to look after them.  

There was a series of organisation charts produced, with these roles clearly identified, the best of them being the "Aft Penetrations Manager". Sadly the job titles were changed prior to advertising. 

I know of "Marine coatings and heating technician" being used on a CV... in reference to a summer job that they had at the local chippy. Genius!

Almost as bad as giving Tony Blair the title of middle east peace envoy 

Recently in a town centre I saw an ad stuck in a window offering a job as "sandwich technician".

I quite liked something I kept seeing in internal news about the "Director of the MAD" back in the 80s.

MAD being Military Aircraft Division - I rather thought it was  the Civil sites having a laugh at us.

that could get you into deep water

Those CADs!

This is common in banking. A bank manager is a manager of a bank, then you have area and regional managers above them. 

This creates problems at regional offices, as they can’t call people who work in the office, managers, as they need some kind of title that is above manager because they’re getting paid more than bank, regional and area managers. 

They’re not high enough to be directors

You end up with a whole office of VPs because that’s their pay grade rather than their job.

At least that’s how I understand it. 

It wasn’t a bank, it was a software start up

Associate Assistant Vice Principal...

I'm guessing automation has, sadly, robbed the world of the "Saggar Maker's Bottom Knocker" as a job title.

They both sound ridiculous, but Scrum is actually a pretty good software development methodology when done properly, and a "Scrum Master" is just an expert in that who can guide you in how to get the best out of it.  I've got a qualification in it, FWIW, though it's not in my job title, which is the fairly bland and meaningless "Senior Technical Consultant".

Always thought Galactic Coordinator would be a great job title - especially if you are in Pembroke : ).

With possible promotion to Senior GC.

Just saying it’s common in banking and explaining why. What was the background of the people who set the company up? We’re they trying to attract workers with a particular background? 

I have come to the conclusion that all these methodologies have for only purpose to make organisations full of mediocre staff function more or less ok.

Which, in itself, is no mean feat.

I felt a bit weird when I joined the "Dimensional Control Department" back in 1983, too soon after HHGTTG perhaps

I used to work in a supermarket and the cleaning company was called Data Control Services, and when the customer service lady called them over the tannoy system she had to say " Could a Data Control Specialist go to the toilet roll aisle please" 

L

to clean up a Core Dump?

I am a Project Engineer.  No-one could be further from an Engineer than me.  It is a project management role

I once had the job title "ICT Technology Implementation Lead" it really irritated me that either the T or Technology were redundant.

I'm currently called "Digital Solutions Delivery Manager" which is only slightly less ridiculous.

I've been a  Clone Proving Solution Developer.

Underwater ceramics expert. Ie dishwasher

During a long career in teaching I often left parents' meetings think that my job title was "merchant banker."

Outdoor holidays operations assistant for a large conservation charity, or better known as Campsite Assistant