UKH

SO!

You have found your Teenage child is taking money from your paypal account without your knowledge and is slowly draining the family holiday’s savings jar.
The same kid you have been helping financially towards their car (petrol, oil and insurance).
When confronted child says they needed the money for the up keep of the car.
You as parents don't drive, so having the car is very useful for groceries and getting the child's siblings to and from school dry during winter.
You would like to use this opportunity to teach the child a life lesson, But aren't sure how to do so without shooting yourself in the foot (removing the car).

Caught in a catch 22. What would you do?

P.S. the child is in full KEVIN mode!!!

In reply to goldmember:




My wisdom is, you have to crack down hard. No. 1 above, stealing money inside the family, is unacceptable. No. 2 and 3, helping them financially and the child saying they need it for the upkeep of the car, are irrelevant.

But how to crack down? There are many ways... what do others think?

In reply to goldmember:

1 Change your Paypal password.
2 Torch the car.

In reply to goldmember:

You have to nail them for that! Agree with the post above....cosequences for you have to be a secondary factor!

In reply to goldmember:
Change pass word and tear them off a strip in front of the rest of family while you're all sitting together?

Give them a talk about how a family has to function on mutual honesty and trust, ask if they really want to steal the holiday funds for their younger siblings, and let said siblings say how unfair it is for them, go on a full familial reproach and disappointment tack with them?

I'm half thinking they need to learn about how their actions has an affect on other people, rather than to encounter consequences to deter them from doing it again, which maybe isn't the lesson you want to teach?

That's how I'd go about it at least, my parents quite often went for explaining at root why something wasn't good...

In reply to abseil:

Spot on. For every action, there are consequences. And sometimes, in order to make your point, you have to take a bit of a hit too. The follow through in discipline is where many parents fold with all the negative consequences that involves.

I would ban use of the car for a month - or something similar.

PS The excuse that the monies are for running the car seems a bit of a clever cop out to me. He is clearly appealing you to cut off your nose to spite your face - so call his bluff.

In reply to goldmember:

Learn to drive

In reply to goldmember:

I would take your driving test so he/she doesn't have a hold over you

In reply to goldmember:
I'd sell the car and/or not take him on the holiday seeing as he spent his share of it already if that was my son!

and he'd be grounded until he paid it all back.

(and my 18 year old son knows that's what I'd do!)

In reply to goldmember:

is the teenage child going to need financial support to go on holiday?

In reply to goldmember:
I think for long-term benefit taking the hit and removing the car is the only option, at least for a period of time, though perhaps it needs to be sold so the money stolen can be repaid. They clearly cannot afford to run it. Even if it costs you a few quid in taxis.

Trust is key, and it will be hard to re-establish it. One thing that is key to establish is that you might have helped had they asked, but because they were dishonest they lose.

(I don't have my own kids, but the latter is the approach I take with my Scouts - be underhand with me and I won't be nice, admit you've done wrong and work with me to sort it out and I will be more accommodating)

Neil

In reply to All:

He is NOT my son!

In reply to goldmember:

No need to shout.

What is this a real situation or some game your playing?

In reply to SCrossley:


I tend to agree, it's not stealing it's taking stuff without asking, so the obvious question is why won't they ask?

If they're embarrassed then it's different, if they're spending it on drugs and women then maybe not so.

In reply to winhill:

I have it on good authority that the kid was asked these questions. But is saying no.

I quite like the get everyone is the same room approach and tear strips of them but the child's folks would never go for it!

In reply to goldmember:

He is being spoilt. The true sense of which means to go bad, like milk or meat spoils.

In reply to goldmember:

I don't think I would "tear strips" (I don't work like that) but I would certainly make a big thing about breakdown of trust, and how they would have to work very hard to repay that trust, including coming up with a plan as to how the money was to be repaid by an agreed date (probably the sale of the car, but if they have a job working additional hours may also be an option).

If they still acted like a 2 year old, then time for the parent to decide, and I think I would go for removal of the car (and possibly docking of any pocket money against the cost of taxis).

Neil

In reply to goldmember:

What's the parents relationship with the kid generally like? Do they know what he's spending the money on?

If he's suffering low self-esteem and stealing to anesthatise with drink and drugs, or to show off to his mates that he's the cool guy with all the toys to cover his inadequacy, hammering him hard is likely to chip away further at that self esteem and perpetuate the self-destructive behaviour.

Same goes for excessive "look at what this means to the kids holidays" guilt tripping... unless he's a sociapath, deep down he's already beating himself up for his behaviour, despite continuing to do it.

It has to be clear that he's done wrong, but the solution has to be balanced and offer a path to redemption. As Neil says rebuilding trust is important so where, for example taking the car away for a month does nothing much other than breed resentment, taking the car away or limiting the hours of use until some money has been paid back, or if that's going to be difficult perhaps does work around the house (painting and decorating, building sheds... constructive stuff that he can look at in future and be proud of) will allow him to feel he's atoning for his behaviour and emerge with some self-esteem.

In reply to Ciro:


That's a very good point.



That's much better than my idea.

In reply to winhill:


taking stuff without asking is stealing

In reply to goldmember:
It could be worth trying to find out what is financial situation is, if he should have enough money but doesn't for some unclear reason.

If he's troubled my idea could be too harsh and make him feel like he's not 'at home' when he's at home.

In reply to goldmember:

Put the car on ebay without asking. That seems fair.

Also, change passwords first...

In reply to goldmember:
When the Num Num children nick a car I normally give them a bit of money for petrol if I can nick it out of Mrs Num Num's purse.

In reply to goldmember:

The perpetrator has in this scenario power over the victim.

That balance of power must be shifted. Either that or you just take the hit. Change the password and move on.

If they are not prepared to lay down the law how can they expect to be respected?

In the house I grew up in 'Kevin mode' would not have been entertained. Albeit this was taken too far BUT I do know right from wrong.

In reply to goldmember:

Sounds to me like the parents in this situation are not taking rresponsibility as adults. The kid in question is probably used to his parents taking the easy option and is not surprisingly behaving as he wants to. I assume they managed without a car when he was 16 and they could manage now but it isn't the easy option.

In reply to goldmember:


As adults the thing we need to teach children is that in life there a choices, but that some choices have consequences that impact negatively. So if you choose to steal money, the consequence is that your liberty will be taken away for a period of time. If this kid's parents are not prepared to follow through on the consequences of this child's actions, then that says more about them than the child. Are they scared that the child will reject them for example?

thanks for all the wise comments, I have send the kids folks a link to this thread. Speak soon