The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving chip shop owner from Auchtermuchty with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old Glaswegian prostitute named Senga with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented Mcewan's Export. Sometimes, he would accuse neds of being haemosexual. The sort of general malaise that only the insane possess and the genius lament... My childhood was typical: summers in Glen Clova... headbutting lessons... In the spring, we'd make haggis helmets... When I was insolent I was placed in a jute bag and beaten with cans of iron brew — pretty standard, really. At the age of 15, I received my first set of false teeth. At the age of 17 I went to evil medical school. At the age of 31, a Valkyrie named Eloise ritualistically shaved my testicles — there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's quite breathtaking... I suggest you try it.