Climbers, resent paying £50 for a pair of belay glasses? Pay a mate 50p per climb to look at your climber and relay information.
100 climbs for the price of a pair belay glasses, and you won't look like a twit at the crag.
Any others?
Climbers, save time & effort by walking up round the back.
Boulderers, don't waste money on expensive clothes. Simply climb without a top on.
Climbers - is the route simply too hard for you? Instead of pulling on the rubbish, painful holds, just use an extendable stick to clip the rope to successive bolts above your head, and use that to climb up the cliff instead!
Boulderers - save money by inviting your friends round to lie on your floor - rather than paying to do this at a bouldering wall.
Climbers save money. Make your own karbs from clothes hanger wire rather than paying loads for branded bling.
Unable to get up blank E9 slabs but plenty of time on your hands? Simply sew lots of slugs onto your shoes and coax them up with a lettuce leaf.
Having a mountain to climb makes an excellent emergency metaphor for a football team manager with a severe expectation/optimism imbalance.
If you struggle with off-width cracks starve yourself to near extinction and chimney away!
PS And save yourself bundles of cash on food!
Win win
Fed up of fiddling about with those stupid wire things when trying to get up stanage? Get a stallone bolt and the unconquerables will no longer be unconquerable. Also when all the routes on stanage have been bolted it has the added benefit of appearing to have sequins all over the crag, and who doesn't love sequins!!
Boulders; improve your fitness by climbing stuff, instead of sitting around, occasionally cleaning holds with a toothbrush, engaging in ’banter’ in large groups or engaging acts of self abuse in the upstairs area with planks on the wall.
Climbers, try climbing routes down from the top rather than up from the bottom, that way gravity will be helping you. If your second is struggling/going a bit slowly then help them out with a bit of cheeky tension on the rope.
Bonus - climbing downwards on popular routes is much more social as you get to chat to lots of people coming the other way.
Doug Scott, still crawling down the Ogre? Try walking, you’ll find it’s much quicker.
When struggling with a V9 on the Bowderstone take note that there's a ladder up the back.
Save money on expensive climbing shoes, fill the tread of normal shoes with used chewing gum. If it's fresh you get the bonus of extra stick.
Stinky rock shoe?
Smear a coating of dog shit on the insides of each shoe, to save embarrassment.
Why waste money on expensive climbing chalk and boulder bucket? when good old fashioned flour will do exactly the same thing and buckets are £1 from B & Q as opposed to one from DMM for £25 .
Boulderers, save buying expensive equipment and fuel costs.
Try to lift yourself off your mattress at home using the headboard.
Loads more possibilities on the bottom bunk.
Either way, there won't be anyone around to laugh at you!
Hate the sound of the countryside and nature? Take a small stereo with you that has awful sound, and play something that only you find enjoyable. A pat on the back if one of your climbing party brings a guitar with them and strums out of time and just off key.
Sick of endless arguments and debates about grades, ethics and stars?
Simply carry on climbing as before but never tell anyone, ever, what you have climbed. All the fun and none of the hassle.
Liven up a quiet period at the climbing wall by running around the centre with the emergency crash mat* shouting ‘get out of the way’.
*If on your own this also works with the defibrillator.
Climbing on your own at the wall? Buy your own auto belay and clip it to the top and safely descend.
Climbers: Avoid falling and hitting the ground by simply keeping hold of the rock face
When you reach the top you are only half way there, you still have to get down.
Can't reach the next hold? Simply climb up to it! (with acknowledgements to Don Whillans or possibly Joe Brown, one of the two anyway!)
Embarrassed that you can't brag about how hard you climb?
Just lie - after all, everybody else does.
6a climbers - instantly become able to climb 6c simply by going to Kalymnos!
Boulderers: save on damaged tendons, and unecessary effort by simply standing straight and touching the finishing holds rather than starting from some weirdly contorted position sitting on your arse.
Hipster Climbers: can't afford new clothing? Simply cut off a few toes and piss on your old clothes then pretend you are an alpinist
Winter climbers : Next time you go to fill your Octavia up with fuel, just put £2 less in the tank. You did, after-all, spend hours and hours researching car fuel/people/gear efficiency, with the 30th climber's cars re-post on UKC. Perhaps then you won't need to come back on UKC and moan about £2 to park your £10,000 car, or worse your extra 30min walk-in to save the aforementioned £2.
Top tip: save yourself a trip to Hen Cloud by simply rubbing your hands and knuckles with sand paper and colouring in the insides of your underpants with brown wax crayons.
Climber punters do you need a new excuse for when you are sh$tting yourself but have used up all of your usual "I've had a spot of tennis elbow recently and don't want to aggrivate it", "my hands have got this weird cramp thing", "I'm not leading today, I ate cheese yesterday and I'm lactose intolerant", "it's not my footwork, it's because of my toes, they are angled up not down", "wait!...my helmets twisted.....TAKE!" excuses?
Download our DOWNCLIMB app today on Appstore. No more sniggers of "pussy wanker" from your friends, with these real original and believable climbing excuses for when you just can't make that next clip.
Sea cliff climbers save money and fear on run out sections by collecting a pocket full of limpets. Stick these wherever you need them for hand and footholds and drill small holes in the shells and thread a prussick for go anywhere protection.
> Download our DOWNCLIMB app today on Appstore.
No need. I just look something up on Excuseapedia.
Rather than having to train to get up problems/routes, just buy a spare book and tick all the hardest routes you would like to have done and leave it open on the most impressive pages.
Walking up Snowdon? Re live the Pen y Pass experience by setting fire to some bank notes, soaking your shoes in urine and visiting Victoria Station on a Friday night.
Climbers, save £££'s, simply wrap your nuts and cams in tissue paper, it stops the rough rock rubbing off the pretty anodizing for that "new rack" look.
> Top tip: save yourself a trip to Hen Cloud by simply rubbing your hands and knuckles with sand paper and colouring in the insides of your underpants with brown wax crayons.
Congratulations Hugo, great work worthy of publication in Viz.
Off route, no gear, run out? Quickly confess all your sins and believe in the religion of your choice, then when you fall and die you get to go to Heaven.
They will also provide a handy snack and may also prove useful for backing up rusted stakes.
A lumphammer and chisel could easily remove all 3 pebbles and coincidentally also any debate about the grade of the slab.
Want to boulder in Fontainebleau but can't afford the travel and accommodation?
No problem, get that authentic Font feeling at your local bouldering venue by simply sh1tting at the foot of all your climbs .
Sorted !
Create an impression at your local climbing wall by turning up in a Spider-Man outfit. Enhance your appearance by beating the crap out of anyone who infringes any rules.( for example children running or not doing a proper stopper knot).
Climbers - do you find protection too heavy to carry? The natural environment not messed up enough? Got no soul? Then buy a bolt gun...
Climbers, I went up a grade Just from remembering to void my body cavities at every belay. You too can climb that 3c you dreamed about! Subscribe to www.dumpmyload.com
Suicide bombers: experience that "enlightenment at the moment of your demise" sensation by tackling any classic Mick Fowler sea stack trad route. Pressing the detonator may be safer however.
Bear Grylls - rather than spending the night under a sheet of plastic drinking your own piss simply book into the nearest hotel and return with the film crew and celebrity guest the following morning.
Are you a trad bumbly who struggles on V0's? Fear not! You can now prop up your fragile ego by mocking boulderers on the internet
Newbies, want to impress people and get more likes? Simply get a mate to record you climbing the V1 problem at the bouldering centre and upload to Instagram #crushit
The second BMC Members Open Forum webinar took place on 20 March. Recently-appointed BMC CEO Paul Ratcliffe, President Andy Syme and Chair Roger Murray shared updates on staff changes, new and ongoing initiatives, insurance policy changes and the current...