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The Winter Belay

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Removed User 18 Dec 2007
The winter belay


Phew, nearly there, phew, just a bit more. Slack, SLACK! Clip that peg. Thank f*ck. Right, gear in, where? Ahhh, hotaches f*ck, f*ck, fuuuuckk, shit, I think I’m gonna be sick, f*ck, come on you bastards ahhhh god that hurts ahhh come onnnnn! Got to get some gear in. Try this crack. Nope. Ah this looks like a good one, just dig the ice out. Bastard, flared. Try this one, blind. Kick a better stance……there. Right, try this…..yessss. Bomber! Clove hitch on that, clove hitch on the peg, SAFE! Three bits of gear my arse. Two tugs on the rope. Come on. What did he say? He must be off belay now. Take in. Wish I could see him. Wish I could hear him. Ah slack rope. Take in, take in, take in, take in. Where the f*ck am I going to put all this? Sure I climbed farther than that. Tight rope. On belay, climb when ready…………. ON BELAY CLIMB WHEN READY……………. ON F*CKING BELAY…..did he say climbing? Just take in. Yes he’s coming. Ahhh, I can see him. Lets see how he copes with this…... Oh well he is seconding. Here he comes. Nowhere to stand, I’ll just tie him off. Hand the sling over. Any more gear? Nope…. Oh yes just this, sorry. It’s just up there, looks pretty straightforward, on you go. Wait……. WAIT! If you go over this rope and under that one. Oh FFS. Over this one and under that one! Right. Off you go. Watch those crampons, nearly took me eye out! Go on. What is he mincing about at? Hope he gets some gear in soon. Spindrift. Bastard. Straight down me neck. Get this hood up. What the f*ck? Ah. Slings in the way. Just lift them over me head. Oh ffs. Packs in the way. Look at those bastard clouds coming in, hope he hurries up. Think I need a dump. Thwack! F*ck me that hurt, Thwack, if he knocks one more bit of ice down I’m gonna ram this ice axe up his arse! Thwack! BASTARD! Need to swap legs, nope that won’t work, I’ll just turn around, f*cking pack’s in the way again, f*ck it, I’ll just take the pain. WHAT IS HE F*CKIN DOING? He’s stopped now, must be there, oh, moving again, Christ it’s just a stroll, get the f*ck on with it! Hands are getting cold now. Toes are getting cold. Those clouds are moving in. Wonder what time it is? Was that SAFE? WHAT? Can’t see him. Was that two tugs? He must be there by now. I’ll start stripping the belay….. SAFE! Oh well, I heard it that time. OFF BELAY! Wait, WAIT! F*CKIN WAIT WILL YA! SLACK! Ok, get this nut out. Come ooonnnnn yooooo baaaastaaard! There. Take in, TAKE IN, TAKE F*CKIN IN!
CLIMBING! ……………………………….Christ, this is hard.

 Caralynh 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

PMSL!!!! Sounds very much like an experience I had a couple of years ago...
 Burnsie 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:


ho ho ho - superb.
JackKeen 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

cant wait
 Alex Roddie 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:
Sounds about right ... it's what makes it all fun!
 Nevis-the-cat 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

story of my life.


Memo to self, the 3 yanks on the rope routine does not work when topping out into a raging Caringorm blizzard. Radios are the way forward.
 finkployd 18 Dec 2007
absolute gold....


 Jon Wickham 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User: Genius.
 Paul748 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:
Brilliant
 3leggeddog 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Paul748:
Winter climbing Fun Fun Fun
An excellent piece of prose, well done
In reply to Removed User: Did you sneak a dictaphone in my pack when I was climbing 2 weeks ago?

It's almost a word-for-word script!
 sutty 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

Thanks for that, you just reminded me why I stopped winter climbing.
 Jamie B 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Nevis-the-cat:

> the 3 yanks on the rope routine does not work when topping out into a raging Cairngorm blizzard. Radios are the way forward.

Don't bank on radios working any better in that kind of environment, or on your words being discernable over the roar of the blizzard if they do.

Here's my system for what it's worth:

When you are safe, tug repeatedly on rope with vastly exagerated force; pretend you are trying to pull your partner off their belay. Forget trying to do a certain number of tugs as this is open to misinterpretation; just haul like a navvy repeatedly for ten seconds or so in a manner which is clearly not consistent with climbing movement.

Give him/her 30 seconds to take you off belay then pull the rope up. When you have them on belay start tugging like a navvy again; they should get the message.




 Nevis-the-cat 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Jamie B.:


Tried something similar, almost pulled him off while he was having a piss (erm, if you will).

 Horse 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:
A gem.
In reply to Nevis-the-cat: A nice "close" climbing partnership then

How you doing these days anyway?
 Nevis-the-cat 18 Dec 2007
In reply to nickinscottishmountains:

Hullo mate

Doing ok. Moved closer to the grit and in turn closer to the ice and hoping for some Scottish and Lakes routes this season. Off to La Grave in Jan with the AC.

We must hook up for a climb sometime - I will drop you a mail. We can go harass Jamie at the Ice Factor if it rains.

He likes hecklers Jamies does.

John
 gjw5670 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:
> The winter belay
>
>
> Phew, nearly there, phew, just a bit more. Slack, SLACK! Clip that peg. Thank f*ck. Right, gear in, where? Ahhh, hotaches f*ck, f*ck, fuuuuckk, shit, I think I’m gonna be sick, f*ck, come on you bastards ahhhh god that hurts ahhh come onnnnn! Got to get some gear in. Try this crack. Nope. Ah this looks like a good one, just dig the ice out. Bastard, flared. Try this one, blind. Kick a better stance……there. Right, try this…..yessss. Bomber! Clove hitch on that, clove hitch on the peg, SAFE! Three bits of gear my arse. Two tugs on the rope. Come on. What did he say? He must be off belay now. Take in. Wish I could see him. Wish I could hear him. Ah slack rope. Take in, take in, take in, take in. Where the f*ck am I going to put all this? Sure I climbed farther than that. Tight rope. On belay, climb when ready…………. ON BELAY CLIMB WHEN READY……………. ON F*CKING BELAY…..did he say climbing? Just take in. Yes he’s coming. Ahhh, I can see him. Lets see how he copes with this…... Oh well he is seconding. Here he comes. Nowhere to stand, I’ll just tie him off. Hand the sling over. Any more gear? Nope…. Oh yes just this, sorry. It’s just up there, looks pretty straightforward, on you go. Wait……. WAIT! If you go over this rope and under that one. Oh FFS. Over this one and under that one! Right. Off you go. Watch those crampons, nearly took me eye out! Go on. What is he mincing about at? Hope he gets some gear in soon. Spindrift. Bastard. Straight down me neck. Get this hood up. What the f*ck? Ah. Slings in the way. Just lift them over me head. Oh ffs. Packs in the way. Look at those bastard clouds coming in, hope he hurries up. Think I need a dump. Thwack! F*ck me that hurt, Thwack, if he knocks one more bit of ice down I’m gonna ram this ice axe up his arse! Thwack! BASTARD! Need to swap legs, nope that won’t work, I’ll just turn around, f*cking pack’s in the way again, f*ck it, I’ll just take the pain. WHAT IS HE F*CKIN DOING? He’s stopped now, must be there, oh, moving again, Christ it’s just a stroll, get the f*ck on with it! Hands are getting cold now. Toes are getting cold. Those clouds are moving in. Wonder what time it is? Was that SAFE? WHAT? Can’t see him. Was that two tugs? He must be there by now. I’ll start stripping the belay….. SAFE! Oh well, I heard it that time. OFF BELAY! Wait, WAIT! F*CKIN WAIT WILL YA! SLACK! Ok, get this nut out. Come ooonnnnn yooooo baaaastaaard! There. Take in, TAKE IN, TAKE F*CKIN IN!
> CLIMBING! ……………………………….Christ, this is hard.

so you`ve been climbing with my girlfriend then?
Removed User 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

Heh. Spot on.
 Erik B 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User: is this a story about you climbing with Jim H?

jamie B, always 3 big tugs on the rope, repeat as necessary with gaps in between. never had a prob with it as long as both climbers stick to the system
 JDSwain 18 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User: Love it
Alii 19 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:

Excellent Bob.
In reply to Removed User: Excellent, so true I think you must have climbed with me!
 mux 19 Dec 2007
Ever noticed how quickly you loose your marbles on a long cold belay........

2 hrs on a very cold eagle ridge saw me and a friend playing choo choo's (the I,m a train game)......and if I was a chocolate bar what would I be ....swiftly followed by hot aches to make an elaphant cry....shortly followed buy a cheesy grin and numb pat on the back each..."now we just need to get to the pub and fall asleep pint in hand"

winters great
Removed User 19 Dec 2007
In reply to mux:
> Ever noticed how quickly you loose your marbles on a long cold belay........
>
> 2 hrs on a very cold eagle ridge saw me and a friend playing choo choo's (the I,m a train game)......and if I was a chocolate bar what would I be ....swiftly followed by hot aches to make an elaphant cry....shortly followed buy a cheesy grin and numb pat on the back each..."now we just need to get to the pub and fall asleep pint in hand"
>
> winters great

I have never managed to play marbles on a winter belay before but I suspect it might be fun.

The explaination for playing choo choo's as the 'I'm a train game' leaves me no wiser and i can imagine that the 'if I was a chocolate bar what would I be' game might be fairly short lived.

Each to their own, eh?
 KeithW 19 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User:
> The winter belay

Hah-ha, excellent.

Especially the "get the f**k on with it" - after I've spent the past 3 hours wibbling about on the lead.
 KeithW 19 Dec 2007
In reply to Nevis-the-cat:

> Radios are the way forward.

We used them on Observatory Ridge once. My mate Russ was dangling off his axes, trying to negotiate a bare overhanging bit when I decided to radio him to see how he was getting on.

His first thought was "Oh, I must get that..."
 andym99 19 Dec 2007
In reply to Removed User: That is winter climbing to a "T". laughed out loud. Nice one.
Removed User 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:

just a reminder.
 Laubie 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:

Nice one reminds of most Scottish routes.
 Glen 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:

Chuckle.
How accurate.

I particularly enjoyed this bit:

"Spindrift. Bastard. Straight down me neck. Get this hood up. What the f*ck? Ah. Slings in the way. Just lift them over me head. Oh ffs. Packs in the way."
 JY - changed 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:

And I thought it was just me. Thank fcuk this is normal.

Spot on!
Nicos 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User: i really enjoyed reading that, you should of tried to publish it in a magazine or something

Nicos
Slugain Howff 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:
> The winter belay
>
>
> .. Thwack! F*ck me that hurt, Thwack, if he knocks one more bit of ice down I’m gonna ram this ice axe up his arse! Thwack! BASTARD!

....if he fechin' continues hacking away like that there will be fech all ice left in that fechin' crack and I'll have to be pulled up!!!!

Nice one Bob
 thomm 09 Jan 2008
In reply to Removed User:
It's strange that one feels so many antagonistic and insulting thoughts towards one's partner (as you capture here perfectly). One rarely thinks 'My goodness, he's making fast yards!' or 'Crikey, now that's slick ropework!' or 'I'm so glad he's taking his time to build a secure belay!' or 'It is an honour to climb with this fine gentleman.'
It makes me rather uncomfortable to speculate on what my climbing partners may have muttered about me over the years...
In reply to Removed User:

brilliant.

gregor
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