UKH

Why are there not more railways and cafes on our mountains?

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 Holdtickler 23 Nov 2022

Why are there not more trains up UK mountains? Why are there not more cafes on the tops. Don't get me wrong, I like walking up mountains and enjoying nowt but a lonely trig point and a lovely 360 view but sometimes I just feel like taking a train up a mountain and going to a cafe instead. The lack of both does us a great disservice. Y Wyddfa has one and Cairngorm has one and the Eiger even has a tunnel through it but I think we need more balance and put these things on at least half of our hills and mountains. They have them in all the flat parts of the country so why not bung them up our lovely mountains.

Other things like motorways and landfill sights are far uglier so that's a good reason why we should. We've got lots of paths which we could replace with railways. If walkers don't like the trains, they could always just pretend they are not there and walk on the tracks and occasionally dive out of the way. Someone else can pay for, build and maintain the things like. I just want to rock up and ride.

We could even put gyms and climbing walls up there too so we can get our exercise in conveniently without having to touch anything ghastly like moss and that. Sometimes I get up there and think it would it be great if there was a cinema here because I can't wait to get back down to civilisation before watching a film so that's a good idea too.

All these old-school bare mountain top people have been gatekeeping and monopolising our mountains for far too long and its not fair to the train riders. It wouldn't be a big deal, or even worth mentioning as nobody would notice if they were a long way away doing something else. It's only minimal damage. Anyway walkers erode footpaths so they should all stay at home anyway.

Sorry, just couldn't help myself.

7
 veteye 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

You must have a large cheek-space to accommodate your tongue...

 mike123 23 Nov 2022
In reply to veteye: my guess is the annual Xmas order of baby Cham arrived yesterday morning . Having had a hard day Mr. Tickler decided that , despite normally waiting until December the 1st for his daily Xmas treat , Mr. Tickler decided to open the box and , you know , just allow himself A little treat . , as often happens , one thing led to another and by mid evening he was bottles in . After the 4th bottle , well all hell broke loose and Mr. Tickler found himself giddy to the extreme . Unable to contain himself he set about,  what for him , was a drunken spree . Out came the laptop and off he went .

Post edited at 07:21
 NaCl 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

It's the coffee and tea effluent innit. Well known to cause chemical erosion (or something)

 freeflyer 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

Well of course in parts of the world that don't involve Yorkshire, there are plenty of trains up mountains, and even better, they festoon the mountain with cables, and even hang little carriages on them so you can go up and down to your heart's content. These are very convenient if your focus is on starting at the top of a mountain rather than getting to the top of one.

1
 PaulJepson 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

Are you suggesting we retro-track existing walking paths? Good luck tracking down the first ascentionist for their permission! 

 Brass Nipples 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

Whilst there you could put ladders on crags so no one has to climb the rock.

In reply to Holdtickler:

Excellent spoof! I must confess I was halfway through para 2 before I twigged. 
 

Just wondering what the technical term is for this type of writing. Is it an allegory?

1
 Fat Bumbly2 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

Dont forget the bridges - nice goat attracting bridges.  Of course we should go further. Some of these "hills" are ugly lumps that get in the way of some great views.

Post edited at 10:00
 Bob Aitken 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

An old chestnut I know, but seems to match the spirit of the OP -

https://zugspitze.de/en/Mount-Wank/Sonnenalm

 Lankyman 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

> Why are there not more trains up UK mountains?

In England we have a conservation body called Friends Against Railway-ed Tops. The movement began in the Lakes in the early 20th century when there were multiple protests against railways onto Scafell Pike, Skiddaw and Helvellyn. Eventually, the various protest groups amalgamated to form the Organization of Lake District Friends Against Railway-ed Tops sometimes shortened to OLDFARTs

OP Holdtickler 23 Nov 2022
In reply to mike123:

I think there is a good chance Mike is a troll troll troll. His profile says he is 99 so he's obviously lost his marbles and has no right to comment. He should immediately gaffa tape his gob up.

Go watch the camel racing!

 Rob Exile Ward 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Rog Wilko:

'a Juvenalian satirical essay' similar to a Modest Proposal by Swift, which is still well worth reading.

In reply to Holdtickler:

Whilst we're on the subject, what mechanised access would be best for UK mountains? funicular, cablecar, chairlift, or something else? Would travelators/escalators do? Should we tunnel in horizontally then put in a vertical lifts to the tops?

Post edited at 10:39
 Rob Exile Ward 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Toerag:

If we take our lead from Cairngorm, what's important is a) someone makes a lot of money out of it, b) it turns the mountain into a permanent building site and c) it doesn't work.

 ExiledScot 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

I do think it's about time Helvellyn got a proper airstrip, only one landing so far, it's clearly an in demand location. Ryanair could probably market the flights as Keswick International Airport then transfer you. 

 mondite 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Toerag:

> Whilst we're on the subject, what mechanised access would be best for UK mountains?

Catapults or Trebuchets. Make it a proper challenge.

 john arran 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Rob Exile Ward:

> If we take our lead from Cairngorm, what's important is a) someone makes a lot of money out of it, b) it turns the mountain into a permanent building site and c) it doesn't work.

I had to reread b) to make sure you weren't describing most of the current government's policies.

In reply to Rob Exile Ward:

> 'a Juvenalian satirical essay' similar to a Modest Proposal by Swift, which is still well worth reading.

Yes, I was thinking it was similar to Swift’s piece.

In reply to Toerag:

> Whilst we're on the subject, what mechanised access would be best for UK mountains? funicular, cablecar, chairlift, or something else? Would travelators/escalators do? Should we tunnel in horizontally then put in a vertical lifts to the tops?

Someone once suggested a Stannah Stairlift up to Castle Rock of Triermain. I’d be for that!

 Rob Exile Ward 23 Nov 2022
In reply to ExiledScot:

'Ryanair could probably market the flights as Keswick International Airport' I think they would be more likely to market it as 'Manchester (Keswick)' and lay on a bus for baffled foreigners.

 Rob Exile Ward 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Rog Wilko:

We followed some old bloke once  limping with a stick to Cloggy, we thought he would have done better with a mobility scooter.

Then he put his stick down and pi$$ed up Jelly Roll. It was Martin Boysen. 

 AukWalk 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

I find it really annoying when people walk past me loudly or try to say hello to me out on the hills so I can't hear the music coming from my portable Bluetooth speaker.

To fix this we need to install proper sound systems along all our major paths so we can always hear our music.  A little laser light show here and there to match the music wouldn't go amiss either. 

It's 2022, we need outdoor music solutions that reflect that! 

Post edited at 14:46
 mike123 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

> I think there is a good chance Mike is a troll troll troll. 

Since you started it I’d say I was a troll troll , for me to be troll troll troll I would have had to troll , you would have trolled back hence being a troll troll , I would have then trolled in return so  becoming a troll troll trolll . How do you know I’m not 99 ? I may return to this thread after walkingg the dog and popping into the ferret and trumpet for a swift baby Cham or two  and a couple of games of bar billiards . Cheers ! 

Post edited at 17:05
 GrahamD 23 Nov 2022
In reply to Holdtickler:

I have fond memories of the cafe that used to be on Worcester Beacon in the Maverns.

 mondite 23 Nov 2022
In reply to AukWalk:

> To fix this we need to install proper sound systems along all our major paths so we can always hear our music.  A little laser light show here and there to match the music wouldn't go amiss either. 

Maybe have a bunch of drones which can be rented out which carry the sound system and orbit in a pattern a few hundred metres up to play the music? Could do some pretty cool laser displays as well.

OP Holdtickler 23 Nov 2022
In reply to mike123:

Only joking, it was another extension of the parody of the other thread and not personal in any way. I'm (potentially) the troll troll. Which makes you potentially the troll troll troll. I guess that might also makes me the troll troll trolly troll  

 Rob Exile Ward 23 Nov 2022
In reply to GrahamD:

There's not so many of who still can! My kids are amazed that I can still point out where it used to be - There's no trace.

Iirc it had a picture illustrating a line from Piers Plowman  - 'a fair field full of folk...'


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