UKH

Come on cheer up .

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday

Yippeeee I'm alive .............

"Laaaand ahoooooy!" <Crunch> "Oi should've said that sooner shouldn't Oi?"

Spike Milligan.

"tragically I was an only twin" The Peter Cook autobiography

I can resist anything, except temptation - Wilde

"Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an *sshole."

Father Joseph Dyer (The Exorcist III)

"I told you I was ill."

Spike Milligan

Max Hastings (of Boris): "I wouldn't trust him with my wallet or my wife!"

"Trying is the first step to failure"

Homer Simpson

"If all the girls from the Harvard prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised" - Joyce Grenfell

I'm using all the right holds, but not necessarily in the right order, to paraphrase Morecombe and Wise!

That one doesn't work. They wore hats with ear flaps to keep warm. Warm Kamikaze = hitting the target without shivery fingers.

Gloves ??

Self placed obituary notice in the Times "John Le Mesurier wishes it to be known he has conked out"

Pretty sure that was Dorothy Parker

Edit:" George; don't do that" was JG

Some classic Only fools lines

Rodney walks into Del's flat just as Del is getting romantic with Raquel, Rodney (seething): "I've never been so insulted in all my life", Del: "Well sit down bruv let me have a try"

Rodney discussing one of Del's exes with him: "Most people walk in and light up the room, she walks in and lights up a fag"

Can we please try and avoid any Alan Partridge quotes, i'm pretty certain I know nearly all of them and i'll be here all day!

Benjamin Disraeli. " Mr Speaker, I withdraw; Half the cabinet are not asses"

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

– A. A. Milne

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

– Albert Einstein

Mr Trump said that it was a time for "optimism, not pessimism" in a speech that touted his administration's economic achievements and America's energy boom. - D Trump

Well you did ask for comic one-liners !

Ah! So that's where Skinner got his quip from......

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

– Thomas A. Edison

Leslie Nielsen is always the go to guy:

"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"I'm the locksmith and... I'm the locksmith"

Amusing stories attributed to Winston Churchill are legion, but I think my favourite reports a conversation in the gents at Westminster as WC is leaving the WC. Pompous git: "Winston, at Eton we were taught to wash our hands after using the lavatory". WC: "At Harrow we were taught not to piss on our hands".

But Dorothy Parker was a comic genius (as above). This little verse always brings a smile:

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”

Couple of Groucho Marx lines:

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

"Do you even know what a vegan is, Wolfie?"

"'Course I do.     I've never missed an episode of Star Trek"

WC Fields is always a good source.  I am particularly fond of, "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake" and "I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."

“It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids, without the knowledge of the individual, certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.”

STERLING HAYDEN - Brig. Gen. Jack D. Ripper

A good one from Phil Collins,

"Remember kids, I'm talking nonce sense"

Andre Previn "You're playing all the wrong notes!"

Eric Morecombe "I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order!"

How the bloody hell did you manage to misquote this in a way that renders the punchline a bit "random"?! 

Sir Thomas Beecham conducting a rehearsal, stopped the orchestra and commented on the suspect playing of a lady cellist. "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"

Chic Murray: I met this chap at the Olympics and I said to him, “are you a pole vaulter?” He said to me, no, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?

From The Fringe I think...

Cowboy - "Can you help me round up 18 cattle"

Answer - "Yes of course - thats 20 cattle"

  Classic 

Here's a few old classics......

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

Whistler - the artist - made a particularly witty comment.

'I wish I'd said that' said Oscar Wilde.

'You will, Oscar, you will' said Whistler.

From Aliens.  Colonial Marine Corps, doing pull ups:

Hudson: "Hey, Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
Vasquez: "No, have you?"

By not particularly giving a shit would probably be near the top of the list.

From Red Dwarf:

Cat: There's an old cat saying, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm".
Rimmer: There's an old human saying, "Who's ever heard of a worm skin rug?".

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert.
Kryten: Sir are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Pub? Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.

I flamingoed-up, it's like a cock-up but it's much bigger.

While both lines are funny, they are not by those people.

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

Steven Wright

"My path through life is strewn with cowpats from Satan’s own demonic herd." - Blackadder

Greta Thunberg: "Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!"

Emperor Ming: "Pathetic earthlings. If you had known anything about the true nature of the universe, anything at all, you would've hidden from it in terror."

Apparently not upon investigation or at least no good evidence , that's the internet for you. 

I shall endeavour to be more accurate or stop trying altogether.  

I think it is better to try and to fail or to make mistakes, than to stand on the sidelines, doing nowt but pointing out the mistakes of others.

And to contribute to the thread: ‘He's not going to sell much ice-cream going at that speed, is he?’.

Clouseau's "Does your dog bite?" remains one of the best set ups out there.

"I must have you, even if it means burglary"

Blackadder remains a great source of genius lines - particularly the "my friend is a missionary" line after "great booze up, Eddie!". In fact that episode also has the "more capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on" line amongst a host of others.

b 

Whistler: "I meant, Your Majesty, that uh, like a doughnut your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure merely makes us hungry for more.  Right, Your Majesty is like a stream of bat's piss."

Prince: "What?"

Whistler: "It was one of Wilde's."

Oscar: "It sodding was not! It was Shaw!"

One can do both!

"Everything was fine until the grid was shut down by dickless here."

"They blew up a city block!"

"Is this true?"

"Yes, it’s true. This man has no penis."

This is DEFINITELY by Oscar Wilde:

All women grow to become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

No man does. That is theirs.

Love that film 

:-D

Please don't stop trying.

Ah, thank you 

It's possibly my favourite.

I actually slightly changed the quote to be wrong just to annoy Blue Straggler but he didn't bite.

From Twin Town

Company car is it?
Ay, probably...

He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!

RIP Terry Jones

b

It is called “not giving a shit” 

Touché.

Thanks for taking it in the spirit intended  

"OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there (points towards the window) are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!"

"Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?"

 "FECK OFF CUP!"

"It's Ireland's largest lingerie section' I understand."

Bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

Oscar Wilde again.  A notorious bore approached him at a party, saying, "Ah, Oscar!  I passed your house yesterday".  Wilde mildly replied, "Thank you so much".  

I may have missed it, but I don't think anyone's thrown in the classic lines from the Two Ronnies best sketch, so I'll set the ball rolling with: "Got any O's?"

What, garden hose, panty hose?

I once quoted that to my born again Christian doctor when I was in my early 20's  after seeing a cross in his surgery room, which was shortly before I found out his faith. I commented that it was rather an irreverent statement and we both quickly moved on. Oops.

I like these lines from an Oscar Wilde play, I think it's called The Perfect Gentleman, 'We all know that morality is something we apply to those we dislike'

I bet you could have cut the tension with a scalpel! It's refreshing though, when people accidentally speak their minds

I counter with these words from the unfortunately named Phyllis Bottome

"Not being liked has a certain virtue about it, if the reason for the dislike does not lie in yourself!"

I might have said 'Jesus loves you but everybody else hates you', but it wasn't too bad actually, the context was I talked about having seen it on a t-shirt so it wasn't too bad to move on from, it could have been worse.

Clouseau's "Does your dog bite?" remains one of the best set ups out there.

"I must have you, even if it means burglary"

Blackadder remains a great source of genius lines - particularly the "my friend is a missionary" line after "great booze up, Eddie!". In fact that episode also has the "more capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on" line amongst a host of others.

b 

I heard Ken Bruce on radio 2 a few weeks ago talking to a contestant on pop master that had just explained that he had/was getting married in a few weeks time .

Ken's response was " oh I'm sorry to hear that "

Made me laugh out loud.

"He's his own worst enemy!"

"Not while I'm alive he isn't"

Attributed to various politicians, most commonly to Ernie Bevin about Herbert Morrison

Will Rogers. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

See through coffins?

Will they catch on?

Remains to be seen.. 

Five miles? That's not a run, that's deportation!

Spike Milligan

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

“I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.”

Tommy Cooper

I’m an Atheist… thank God.

Dave Allen

And a starter for 10 Bamber...

“Over? Over? Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbour?”

OK, another Chic Murray one.

“I met a man, we talked of this and that, of which I know very little”

Your thread about the c of e prompted this, attributed to Billy Connolly:

man dies, goes up to the pearly gates & gets invited in by St Peter himself, who shows him around. Lots of rooms, look, the Jews are in there, the Hindus are over here, here’s the Muslims, next to the wee frees, but could you keep your voice down just here because this is where the catholic’s are and they think they’re the only ones up here.

You probably need a West of Scotland upbringing to get the full nuances of this one...