UKH

Lung cancer. Found out an hour ago from her.  All a bit surreal at the moment so I've come for a walk and a few pints to get my head square. Heading home tomorrow to take her for her appointment.

No real details over the phone apart from she's starting chemo next week, and they can't cure it, only shrink it or at least control it (shes still lost her voice so I don't want to press her for info).

If anyone can furnish me with a list of useful questions I should be asking the docs tomorrow, that would be great.

Fkk me, this is the first time in 25 years I've really felt useless being so far from home. 

Everyone could do me a fkking massive favour right now by phoning, texting or at least promising to visit their mams if your blessed enough to have them. I'm trying to be as positive as Fkk but all of a sudden the prospect of losing mine is at the front of my mind. 

I've got nothing useful say, but I was thinking of you and your mam. I hope you still get some quality time together. I also feel far from the North East, which I still call home. I'll be seeing my mam next week though, hopefully. 

I’m sorry to hear of your Mum’s diagnosis.

Hoping her treatment goes as well as possible and you get to spend some good time together 

Mams. Ffk sake , take them for granted all your life. 9 pints down now it's time to go for a walk in the woods and blubber for a bit 

Take care man and look after your mum. And don’t go too hard on yourself when you wake up. The odd relapse is fine. And keep posting, you’ve tonnes of friends on here. 

Genuinely sorry to hear that. 

The only things I'd advise just now are:

- SAY the things in your head; let her know how much you care.  Down the line a little you need to be sure you also know what she wants at each stage.

- Make sure you have support so that you can provide support.  it's a pyramid and you need a broad and solid base with your mum at the apex.

- Neither of you will be able to dictate your feelings; they'll happen anyway - denial, anger, grief, fear, reflection, numbness, even a strange exhilaration from feeling more conected to the world.  Recognise them for what they are; don't fight them.

The doctors will help you tomorrow; you don't need to play 20 questions.  Ask the things you want to know - time/progression; what treatment might look like; what support might be needed at different stages.

Finally, cherish the time you have.

Keep positive. My wife was diagnosed with Sarcoma six years ago and remains in her lung - it's incurable but she is still with me. When you have these appointments keep focused on what is being said - the more info you can take in the better - it's easy to come out of these rooms in a daze - mum will need your support there. The particular chemo she will be on (there are several)  will have side effects but they can often be countered by your oncologist and mum will still be able to enjoy life, we've gone thru three cycles so far and two loads of radiotherapy. Internet is a double edged sword but it can give you an insight into how others are coping with the type of cancer and the treatment she is on. See if there are any experimental trials that your mum could take part in - ask about immunotherapy - don't be frightened about asking for a second opinion - ask about surgery if feasible and keep asking. We went from Shrewsbury to Christies before QE hospital in Birmingham agreed to operate. Remember new treatments and techniques are always arising, it's about keeping the cancer on the back foot for as long as possible. Don't give up hope and keep fighting, have short term goals to aim for so your mum has something to look forward to. Hope everything goes ok

Sorry to hear that, tough news to take.

Look after yourself tonight, jk

Thank you, and to everyone. I'm numb. I thought I was a double hard baaaastard until I spoke to my cousin earlier on and i could barely string a sentence together. Throat totally closed up.

This all feels like some fkkd up gameshow where someone is going to jump out and say HAHA ITA ALL A JOKE! except I know it's not

Get yourself through tonight TC.  Water, sleep. Not easy, but do what you can. 

For questions to ask - be prepared to listen, to write everything done (it will go in one ear, out the other, trust me).  Don't try and solve any problems there or then; listen, write and ask about the local support options.  

Hang in there.

Currently crying me fkkng eyes out in the quietest corner of a random boozer dude hahaha. Beer isn't the best mood stabiliser is it. Haha. Maybe time to sup up, sober up on the woods, then get some kip. 

I'm really sorry to hear this. My Mum had stage 4 (non-smoking related but I can't remember the term) lung cancer. She really made the most of her time and had good quality of life up to the last month when it was very quick. The chemo wasn't too difficult in her case and she didn't lose her hair which was a big deal for her.

On a practical level, I would recommend taking someone else to write thorough notes or even recording your meetings with the consultant. If you don't live close please make sure you have the contact details of her GP, local carer community and close friends who can help. Some of my Mum's friends were unbelievably kind during her illness and treatment.

Be aware of side effects of any treatment so that you can potentially distinguish them from secondary cancers.

Sorry to hear your news mate....my ex father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago, he has had cancer 2 times previously in other parts of his body. I saw him up on the hill a few weeks ago....he has treatment to reduce and prevent it developing which is working well 2 years later....at 79 he is doing ok with it and living a good life. Hope things work out for your mum ok...

I'm sorry to hear this .

AP

Sorry to hear this, life events like this are one of the few times when you have to behave like a proper adult, which can be a bit of a shock to the system.

There's some good advice already given, I can only reiterate that you will greatly appreciate having somehow recorded any meetings (actual record or notes or somebody else taking notes) and to remember that you will need support too, don't be afraid to ask for it (although your posting these threads suggests that's unlikely to be a problem).

Hopefully it will be treatable to the extent that your mum (and you) can enjoy some significant quality time together.

So sorry to hear your terrible news. Spend as much time with her as possible and believe miracles do happen. Hope and being positive are really important. Good luck.

Take it easy on the alcohol.

Take care of yourself.

Really sorry about your Mum but try not to lose heart. First off, you need to look after yourself mentally and physically so you can support your Mum and the rest of your family. Probably easier said than done, but looking back (whatever the outcome) you'll be able to take great comfort from the fact that you held it together and did your level best to make things as easy as possible for all concerned. Second thing, you need a prognosis before you can prioritise what needs doing and when. Let us know if you're looking at making long or short term plans and people will be able to provide more focused advice.

Hope you get the best possible news mate.

Agreed. Alcohol is a multiplier - when you're down it takes you deeper, when you're high it takes you higher.

In reply to Thundercat:

I think it's worth asking your mum what she wants doing in terms of sorting out her affairs and writing it down. Then in a weeks time when you know more and she's had time to process things go through the list again as she'll be thinking clearer. Repeat as necessary, obviously without pressurising her. The more you can find out whilst it's easy to do so the better. If her affairs are in order that's something she doesn't have to worry about. With any luck there will be plenty of time to get things sorted, but once it's done it's done and everyone can relax.

Sending you a man hug whether you want it or not.

I'm so sorry to hear the latest news. I went through something similar with my Ma.

I don't have any differing practical advice to what's been said already, but just wanted to send you, your Mam and your family my best wishes.

Be kind to yourself and try to really be present for your Mam and for each other. There'll be ups and downs ahead. Hold on to the good bits and cherish them. Know that the bad bits get easier and fade with time.

Another unasked-for big man hug to you from me. 

Really sorry to hear that. Best wishes. 

It's about 6 or 7 years ago since my Mum got diagnosed with cancer (bladder). She had all the treatment and recovered. Then it came back a couple of years ago so she did it again and seems OK. Initially, it's like a hammer blow. Just the word 'cancer' makes most of us recoil at the mention of it. You and your mum are at the start of a process but hope is everything. Treatments are wonderful nowadays and so try and be strong for her and yourself. No shame in tears.

I've never felt like a hard/tough person, and have vaguely had to find my way out of the social construct of 'maleness' towards being myself. If you do have people to call on, it's time like these when they're valuable, you may be surprised by who makes their way towards you, too.

Having lost my own mother in 2013, and come to a place of 'settled' in my feelings, it's apparently the hardest thing we normally go through to lose our first parent (a sis in law used to get teary when meeting people her dad's age, after he passed, when assessing them for hearing aids, and she got told that after being made a cup of tea by the potential customers), and it's also very survivable. In a funny way, I'm left feeling like I know myself better, and like I care less about what others think. It's a jumbled path to the other side and a sense of peace, but hold that chink of hope in mind, that it's a finite phase, and your spirit will make it through. For me it didn't seem like it occasionally, but one endures.

My very best wishes to you, and your Mum, say the important things and have what time you can together, I missed mine passing, but I didn't mind that other family members had been there while I hadn't, because anything which needed to be said already had been. If you have one or two favourite family meals, try and get the recipes for them if you can do too.

So very sorry to read this pal. Not sure what can be said that others haven't so I'm just going to reitterate the part about make sure you look after yourself. Your no good to your mum if you end up ill as well.

You have my email so if you need to unload in private make use of it.

So, left lung affected. Spots on the lymph nodes, and on adrenal glands. Small cell cancer. Quite aggressive apparently , but responds well to chemo. Too widespread to operate on, or to target with radiotherapy. So the regime of chemo and immunosuppressive drugs starts tomorrow. One session in hospital, then the next two days as drugs at home. Then repeat in three week cycles

It was good to get some real information because mams voice has gone (first real symptom she's had) and so I've not been able to keep her on the phone too long. Oncologist was awesome. Took the tube to explain in detail and to answer all the questions we had. 

And it's good that it's kicking off ASAP so that I can be there with her for her first session 

All the comments and private notes have been unbelievably helpful. I can't really find the words to say thank you enough. Humbled. And in a much bettter place than I was last night. 

I'm really sorry to hear this. Not much to add that others haven't already said. The only thing I can add which I hope may be of some help or reassurance is that I went through similar with my Dad some years ago. Each step and the eventual outcome seemed impossible to contemplate, and I never imagined being able to deal with it, but because you have no choice, you somehow do deal with it, and you manage to function when it matters and be there for whoever needs you. And yes, there are still deep holes and floods of tears now and then.

Don't be shy about leaning on your friends, you'd be there for them if the tables were turned.  Take care and best wishes to you and your Mum.

You may find you don't need it, but I found grief therapy provided for free by my local hospice invaluable. I think it was about six months after she passed (circa) that I got round to trying it, but that was down to how functional I was in part. 

My bro reckons my sis in law should have had some, in place of having a beer and being teary with him, and she mentioned that my place of feeling settled spoke volumes, so there's no rule, but it's possibly something to keep in mind...

I know it may sound insensitive but once you know what you’re all battling it is a huge leap forward. You’re all going to be in for a really hard time coming but working together to fight this will help your Mam. Use the support networks offered, McMillan are great not just for your mam but also for relatives who often feel ‘left out’, everyone tends to focus on the person with cancer and often forget about those family who have to care for the cancer fighter (I use that word rather than victim because those with cancer know they are in for the fight of their lives.... sometimes literally). Those caring will feel helpless at times and angry at others, all natural emotions, the support offered can help. 

My best wishes to you and your mam. 

So sorry to hear your news, and am here sending you all possible best wishes

Both my parents died of cancer, Mum 1975, Dad 1991

But strangely after wracking (spelling?) my brain and still-strong memories of those years I don't have any useful advice to offer you, except one - going forward, take great care of yourself personally, physically, mentally

Not at all insensitive and I found this very true after the talk to the doc. 

Thanks. I understand your pain. My wife was diagnosed with cancer for the third time a couple of weeks ago, this morning we had good news in that it hasn’t spread from the original site so she’s not dead yet. She does need surgery urgently though which may then be followed up by chemo, radio therapy and hormone therapy, with perhaps a bit more surgery after all that just for good measure. 

As it’s the third time we’ve been down this sandbag of a route we are becoming a bit blasé about cancer but deep down we know it’s a horrible little bar steward and the stress levels don’t get any less the more times you deal with it.

we have both been running on fear and adrenaline for the past few weeks, and as principle support it’s bloody draining trying to remain positive when you don’t know the full facts. At least now I can sleep better knowing my reassurances, (every couple of hours to counter the tears,) that my wife was not going to die was infact a correct guess. 

As I said before though, if you feel you are struggling to cope, drinking doesn’t help, speaking to a trained McMillan nurse does. 

My thoughts are with you and your wife. I can't imagine the strain. Please let me know how she is doing? 

I try my hardest to take something good away from every situation, no matter how bad. Last night my mams sitting room was full with some of my cousins who were actually more like sisters when I was growing up but who have drifted away a little bit (just because they have their own families, and life gets in the way a bit, you know), nephews, her grandson and it was just full of noise and laughter and my mam really loved it. On one hand it's sad to think that it takes something like this for a fragmented family to reconnect, but on the other hand it still happened, and it felt good.

45 minutes to go on the last bag of chemo and then I can get her home for a nice cup of tea.

Im absolutely staggered by the amount of care and personal attention the nurses have given her today. It feels like she's the only patient here, even though I know the other treatment rooms are full

I know mate. It was just one night of silliness while the news sank in. I'm sleeping over again tonight but on mams floor cos the nearby motel is booked out. I'm having a couple of friendly pints with my nephew (mams grandson) and my cousin cos I've not seen then for a while.

No madness or sorrow drowning, but there might be a couple of rounds of darts going on

If anyone around the Castletown area of Sunderland has a spare bed for the night, that would be grand. Hahhaha

Lost my Mum to liver cancer (not alcohol-related) 35 years ago this Christmas, 18 months after diagnosis. Doctor gave her 6 months, so we all thought 18 months was a bonus. I kept it together for the sake of my Dad, can’t imagine what he was going through. He cared for her at night, sleeping in a chair by her bed, and my gran (his Mum) cared for her during the day when my Dad was at work. I have nothing but admiration for him, ( he’s gone now too, heart attack), god knows where he found the strength. But find it he did, and I know you will too. I believe, indeed I am sure, you are stronger than you know. 
One of the best things you can do for your Mum at this time is take care of yourself. Best wishes to you both.
 

I had a feeling you were from Sunderland, sorry I'm not at my parents otherwise I'd offer you a bed. I love getting the sea air when I'm up there, maybe your mam would like it too. Last time I was up there and had a few to many I went for a nice swim in the sea the next day. 

Sorry again to hear your news. 

Fingers crossed your mam takes to the chemo without too much grief. If she starts to feel sick get some anti sickness meds ASAP. 

Youve got to remember that until a consultant tells her she is terminally ill, she isn’t going to die, you’ll find people always assume the worst about cancer, oh and don’t be frightened to say the word either, today cancer kills thousands but there are probably many more who survive the fight. Try to encourage people that your mam may not want sympathy, more reassurance and support. 

You will all come to be in awe of the nurses who deal with frightened people day in, day out with happy professionalism. Must be a strange job poisoning people to save their lives??  

As I said before, knowing your enemy gives you the strength to fight it, after our visit to hospital this morning we now know roughly what we are facing and are both happy with the outcome. 

One bit of advice though, your mam is in for a marathon not a sprint, don’t you or the rest of your family/friends burn out the good wishes over the next few days, as your mam revisits the hospital for chemo it hurts a bit more and family and friends can become worn out with the attrition of seeing your mam unwell. though some take the chemo with little impact, my wife was sick before we got back from the hospital, spent the first week vomiting in bed before managing to recover the second week in readiness for the next round. 6 rounds of that. That was grim mate.

as for strain, I try to think of those who’ve gone through having loved ones struck down with Covid before the vaccines kicked in. That must have been awful, at least we know there are treatments for cancer, in the early days of Covid it must have been just fingers crossed you didn’t die.

As an aside my worries are no where near as bad as my brother in law, he was upset when he found out his sister, my wife, had cancer again a week before his partner told him she had found a lump in her breast too. Result, two cancers for the price of one. We are now able to compare Durham cancer treatment and Newcastle cancer treatment to see which is best.