/ Is it time to give up trying ?

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019

This summer has been proper shitty so far.  

Sick of my pointless life

Every plan has failed, no climbing has been done , I had one outing this week and apart from Tuesday I've sat in a tent while it's just hammered it down And now I just want to punish myself by not eating .

I really wish I'd never been born .  

I hate myself .

Post edited at 07:10
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BnB 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I’m so sorry you feel like this. Please understand there are many here who value your company and your contributions on this forum. And who wish you better days, weeks and years. We are there for you.

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summo 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Embrace the rain, go gill bashing. Get a good soaking then because you're camping treat your kit to 30mins in a campsite or laudrette tumble drier.

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john arran 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Fundamentally every life is pointless but we find (and create for ourselves) positives that make it more than worthwhile.

I've had some pretty shitty times too and I rationalise them with the observation that living through harder times is essential if we are to truly appreciate what we have when the better times return (as I believe they inevitably will.)

Seems like you're on the right track by opening up about it, which is something I find particularly hard when it comes to personal or emotional matters.

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to BnB:

> I’m so sorry you feel like this. Please understand there are many here who value your company and your contributions on this forum. And who wish you better days, weeks and years. We are there for you.

Thanks

I just feel like I should kill myself and make it easier for everyone .   I'm never going to be well or normal and destined to a life of loneliness and misery.

If only i wasn't a coward. 

Post edited at 07:42
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Yanis Nayu 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I can pretty much guarantee that if you stick with it there’ll be many times in the future that you’ll look back to this point and be glad you did. Ride it out mate. 

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to Yanis Nayu:

> I can pretty much guarantee that if you stick with it there’ll be many times in the future that you’ll look back to this point and be glad you did. Ride it out mate. 

Yes I know ( at least the remaining rational part of my mind agrees)

I've not slept properly or eaten since biking cut gate on Tuesday evening.

Tried to come on Monday but I started suffering anxiety and mental unstableness so sacked it off and came Tuesday.  And now wish I'd gone straight home 

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MonkeyPuzzle 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I just feel like I should kill myself and make it easier for everyone .

This is incorrect thinking and is depression talking through you. Killing yourself would cause untold upset to those that love, like and even just know you. Even the forever-squabbling UKC massive would be devastated to find out you'd hurt yourself or worse. They all want you alive.

> I'm never going to be well or normal and destined to a life of loneliness and misery.

No one is "destined" anything. There are friends yet to meet and opportunities to get better still to come. What that relies on is you being around.

> If only i wasn't a coward. 

You're not a coward; far from it. All I ask is keep talking. To us, to a friend, to a counselor or doctor. Just keep talking.

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deepsoup 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Sorry to see you back down in the hole TWS. 

Yeah, weird summer this year, roasted in July soaked in August.  I have some free time at the mo and have really been failing to make the most of it, have a few half-baked ideas for kayaking mini-adventures that I've been nursing all year and now that the time has come none of them are viable really because of the unsettled weather and it's disappointing.

If you were hunkered down at home you'd be drier and more comfortable, but I bet you'd be beating yourself up for not getting out there.  Being stuck in your tent in shitty weather is grim, it would get you down even if you were blessed with ridiculously bonny mental health so don't add to your woes by blaming yourself for feeling bad.  You haven't invited it, you don't deserve it, it's just shitty bad luck.

There's no reason to assume you won't be well in the future, maybe not soon enough but what you will be in the very near future if you can just keep going and ride this out is better.

You've been here before and come through it and this too shall pass so hang in there TWS.  There are a bunch of us here rooting for you.

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krikoman 15 Aug 2019

> , I had one outing this week and apart from Tuesday I've sat in a tent while it's just hammered it down

> I hate myself .

You hate yourself because of the weather?

Unless you're controlling it, in which case I hate you too , then it's not much to do with you, is it?

You know this will pass, just keep plodding on and fighting.

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cb294 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Sorry to hear you are in a bad shape again! Please seek medical help, urgently. Depression has a physiological basis that can in almost all cases be treated with drugs. Unlike older drugs for other psychological conditions, these drugs do not have unwanted side effects. They will pretty much ONLY change your mood and self perception! 

Give it a try and see if you feel better in a couple week's time!

CB

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Tom V 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Your mention of Cut Gate makes me wonder where you are holed up. If you wanted to meet up for a pint and a pie or even just a chat I have unlimited time on my hands . Feel free to message me. The sun's coming out, too.

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pasbury 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Be kind to yourself; no one else would think these things about you, you are a valuable person.

Please keep eating and drinking water even if it's just snacks, hunger only makes you feel worse.

The weather will get better. Perhaps you idealise your plans and then when things don't work out as expected it's very upsetting. But doing anything - a short walk, a ride, whatever is still good (but only if you've got some food in you ). 

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spenser 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Biking cut gate is a pretty decent performance. If you're having one of those days where you want to go out and by the time you don't feel whacked it feels too late in the day to get up to the Peak you could always go and do a ride involving the Chevin near Farnah Green (it's an ace bit of trail not far from you)?

In January I was having a really rough time and one day I realised that I didn't feel safe going home to spend the evening on my own (I have spent the last two years living on my own), I wound up going to A & E and asking for help. Things have improved considerably since then (I still have bad days and am taking medication for my depression), relationships and friendships are still causing me difficulties, I have made the difficult decision to step down from my role as Meet Secretary for my local club, back away from my BMC volunteering and spend a bit of time looking after myself while I figure out how to be myself and who that might be. After a mountain bike accident 3 weeks ago I am now facing a period of probably 3 months without any climbing or mountain biking and despite this on a sensible day I feel safer, happier and more comfortable in my own skin than I have at any other point in my life.

I'm not sure if we've ever actually met, however my offer of going for a drink in Derby still stands, there are a few options for getting help which you might be able to pursue. Personally I've found counselling from Green Lane Counselling to be really helpful, if you can't afford the full £30 a session they will reduce the cost to a level which you can afford, the lady providing me with counselling is clearly far more skilled than any of the 5 previous counsellors who I have seen through the NHS and it's not limited to the 8 sessions which is dictated by the Clinical Commissioning Group's priorities.

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to Tom V:

> Your mention of Cut Gate makes me wonder where you are holed up. If you wanted to meet up for a pint and a pie or even just a chat I have unlimited time on my hands . Feel free to message me. The sun's coming out, too.

Thanks Tom.

That's very kind of you.  

I am about to leave Edale and head home and try a dry out.

Oh pints .  I remember that particular avenue of pleasure was closed off to me 20 months ago due to my ability to over self medicate   

Post edited at 10:02
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dunc56 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Some great replies here. Especially from Spenser. Please look into some counselling. If you can't afford it, people on here have offered to help and they mean it. You are not alone in this. A lot of people have faced similar battles and the fact they are still here means you can be too !  

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Tom V 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Have a safe journey, then.

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to pasbury:

> I'm sorry you are going through this.

> Be kind to yourself; no one else would think these things about you, you are a valuable person.

> Please keep eating and drinking water even if it's just snacks, hunger only makes you feel worse.

> The weather will get better. Perhaps you idealise your plans and then when things don't work out as expected it's very upsetting. But doing anything - a short walk, a ride, whatever is still good (but only if you've got some food in you ). 

I just don't feel im worthy of food.  To eat is a failure ,and I've not done anything to merit being treated kindly by myself.   I'm constantly unpleasant to myself.

Obviously I will have to eat at some point when i can't stand the pain any more or feel brighter about my life in general. 

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Timmd 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

In a neutral way, are you still not taking pills to help your mood?

It's a personal choice, of course, but I don't feel like my personality has changed through taking SSRI's/antidepressants, it's more that they've made me feel like I used to be, and are allowing me to gradually address the reasons I became depressed in the first place, or address things which aren't beneficial for my state of mind, whichever turns out to be the case you might say, but my life is infinitely better for me as I gradually change things about it, thanks to me being (more) able to.

My very best wishes. Remember to be kind to yourself with your thoughts.

Post edited at 10:14
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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to spenser:

> Biking cut gate is a pretty decent performance. If you're having one of those days where you want to go out and by the time you don't feel whacked it feels too late in the day to get up to the Peak you could always go and do a ride involving the Chevin near Farnah Green (it's an ace bit of trail not far from you)?

Thanks ,I  will look that up.  

> In January I was having a really rough time and one day I realised that I didn't feel safe going home to spend the evening on my own (I have spent the last two years living on my own), I wound up going to A & E and asking for help. Things have improved considerably since then (I still have bad days and am taking medication for my depression), relationships and friendships are still causing me difficulties, I have made the difficult decision to step down from my role as Meet Secretary for my local club, back away from my BMC volunteering and spend a bit of time looking after myself while I figure out how to be myself and who that might be. After a mountain bike accident 3 weeks ago I am now facing a period of probably 3 months without any climbing or mountain biking and despite this on a sensible day I feel safer, happier and more comfortable in my own skin than I have at any other point in my life.

> I'm not sure if we've ever actually met, however my offer of going for a drink in Derby still stands, there are a few options for getting help which you might be able to pursue. Personally I've found counselling from Green Lane Counselling to be really helpful, if you can't afford the full £30 a session they will reduce the cost to a level which you can afford, the lady providing me with counselling is clearly far more skilled than any of the 5 previous counsellors who I have seen through the NHS and it's not limited to the 8 sessions which is dictated by the Clinical Commissioning Group's priorities.

No we have never met , we have exchanged a few messages but never actually met.  I make all sorts of plans and have grand ideas about meeting new people and getting climbing again and trying to break the loneliness and another year passes and I've managed none of it and I'm another year closer to the grave. 

I had no idea that you suffered those issues and so I do think that meeting up would be a good idea being as we are pretty local to each other.

You never know maybe one-day I might get on rock again.  

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pasbury 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

You are worthy of food, don't punish yourself. it really will make you feel better to eat something, even just a bit of bread and butter.

Being hungry makes me feel really stressed and anxious nowadays (I never used to mind but I'm older now). When I eat something it takes about twenty minutes for the chemical messages in my brain to change and then I feel much, much better.

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Mick Ward 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I just don't feel im worthy of food. 

All of us are as worthy (or unworthy, if you like) as you are of food. Nobody else's life means more - or less - than yours'. We're all in this together!  (And yeah, sure, sometimes it's crazy city for all of us.)

> To eat is a failure...

It's a necessity!  And once I escaped from boarding skool grub, it mysteriously got enjoyable too. Can't think why...

> and I've not done anything to merit being treated kindly by myself.   I'm constantly unpleasant to myself.

You wouldn't treat anyone else like this. You wouldn't say, "What have you done, mate, to deserve your grub?" You'd just say, "Eat!"  We treat ourselves with a flagrant lack of kindness which we would never apply to anyone else. One of the weirdest - and worst - aspects of human nature.

Here's a reason to eat: in the nicest possible way, we're asking you to eat. So could you just do it for us - because we care about you. As pasbury says, you'll probably feel better.

Hang on in there!

Mick

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ScottTalbot 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I just feel like I should kill myself and make it easier for everyone .   I'm never going to be well or normal and destined to a life of loneliness and misery.

> If only i wasn't a coward. 

If you were a coward, you would be taking the cowards way out. You're not. You're choosing to work through it, when it would be easier to end the pain. End it for you anyway; it wouldn't truly end it, it would just be passed on to those that know and love you.

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jkarran 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it again. I can't add much to the good replies you've already had but bear with it and things will get better. Get a hot meal in you and it might even feel like they're improving, whether you deserve it or not (you bloody well do!).

jk

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Dax H 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

You sir are far from a coward. Killing yourself is the easy option and known as the cowards way out, it takes bravery and determination to fight through things like this. 

There is still plenty of the year left, okay we have had a wet few weeks but for the past few years we have had very mild autumn days. Nothing is finer than a walk on a crisp day when the trees are changing colour. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, your just not far enough through to see it yet but it is there. 

Loads of great advice and offers of help above, keep talking, keep eating and though you don't believe it trust us when we all say you have worth. 

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The Lemming 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Apart from coming onto this forum, what pro-active steps have you taken to improve your mental health recently?

For example have you contacted or spoken to any professional Mental Health practitioners?

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In reply to The Wild Scallion:

If you haven't yet, I cannot recommend trying antidepressants enough. They may not work, but for me they were the difference between actively planning on killing myself and just being generally miserable (there is a MASSIVE difference between the two). In the years since I've been a lot more in control of my depression, and the black dog, while not exactly tame, goes in its cage if I shout loud enough.

If you want to message me I can give you my whatsapp, and I'll try and talk through this all with you. I know where you are, I've been there, and I'll happily be available for you whenever you need.

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Lemming:

> Apart from coming onto this forum, what pro-active steps have you taken to improve your mental health recently?

> For example have you contacted or spoken to any professional Mental Health practitioners?

I finished a course of CBT this may and was discharged.  

Tried to look after myself, make plans to get out eat better , etc. 

I find the world is generally configured to make humans unhappy though. 

Living alone , little family , not much social interaction and it's not long before it cycles back periodically to bite me in the face.  

Such as

Why don't you have a partner and family? Even if the universe is destined be meaningless and pointless , at least I would have done my bit for my family and procreated.

Why doesn't anybody like me ? 

Why do anything ? 

What is happiness?

What is this thing I'm experiencing ? 

What is the nature of reality ? 

Why is the universe cruel ? .

Endless existential questions to which there is no solid answer and I can't turn off to the extent that I become exhausted and have to spend days in bed not moving.  Getting more and more upset that what little life I have left is running out. 

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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I do realize that I'm a pain in the arse most of the time , and maybe posting here isn't a good idea.  

But it's the only way I can just get stuff off my chest sometimes and it helps a little to just do that.  Also I hope by taking about stuff I might in a small way remove the stigma of mental health for others that may read this.

It's a pity people only mainly see me whinge and not at my best .  

I do think I may be slightly bipolar. On a good day I'm brilliant.   

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The Lemming 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I finished a course of CBT this may and was discharged.  

> Tried to look after myself, make plans to get out eat better , etc. 

After you were discharged from a course of CBT, in May was there any advice or information given should your mental health get worse?

While you have got worse over the last few months have you contacted any professional mental health practitioners to tell them about this?

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wercat 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

What is your creative side interested in?    There is always another side of life that can bring rewards, away from the great outdoors.  Sometimes you need the GO and other things won't do.   But if you also foster other creative interests (could be anything from woodwork, music, art, electronics, restoring motorbikes, ~DIY etc) the GO can stimulate you for whwn you get home.   And then when you can't get out of doors for any reason you can still find mental rewards from just doing/creating/learning stuff.   If you have any other interests follow them as well.  And if your innner voice says "no point" then don't believe it - it's an imposter jealous that you might do stuff it can't control.  Even tidying a workbench/workshop up is good as it removes a potential barrier to getting on and making or doing, gives a small step for a man AND while you are doing it frees the mind to be stimulated by ideas for projects.

Not to mention the great feeling of having said YES! instead of believing Mr Nasty's NO!

Hope this makes sense and might help (From a fellow sufferer)

Post edited at 13:28
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The Wild Scallion 15 Aug 2019
In reply to wercat:

> What is your creative side interested in?    There is always another side of life that can bring rewards, away from the great outdoors.  Sometimes you need the GO and other things won't do.   But if you also foster other creative interests (could be anything from woodwork, music, art, electronics, restoring motorbikes, ~DIY etc) the GO can stimulate you for whwn you get home.   And then when you can't get out of doors for any reason you can still find mental rewards from just doing/creating/learning stuff.   If you have any other interests follow them as well.  And if your innner voice says "no point" then don't believe it - it's an imposter jealous that you might do stuff it can't control.  Even tidying a workbench/workshop up is good as it removes a potential barrier to getting on and making or doing, gives a small step for a man AND while you are doing it frees the mind to be stimulated by ideas for projects.

I have a small home studio that I use to write music ( I have 2 guitars, 3 keyboards, drum machine , effect racks and mixing desk amongst my possessions. 

I'm very interested in philosophy and mystery subjects. So read alot about that.

Also paint abstracts,. Print 3d objects and build electronic gadgets from time to time. 

Im also a gym addict.

> Not to mention the great feeling of having said YES! instead of believing Mr Nasty's NO!

> Hope this makes sense and might help 

It all does . Thank you.  

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David Riley 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

>  maybe posting here isn't a good idea.  

It is a good idea and, as you say, is good for others too.

"Every plan has failed, no climbing has been done"

I'm just down the road.   I can pick you up and go climbing when some decent weather returns if you want.   Perhaps not too high else I'll worry about you.

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spenser 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I will send you an email with a scan of a route from a guidebook.

I'm not sad about having stepped back from doing that stuff, it means I have time to sort myself out. There's no shame in spending time to look after your own health.

I'm happy to meet up for a drink or some such (I can even provide some tasty flapjack which I made a couple of days ago, you almost definitely deserve it more than me as I am spending most of my time in bed sleeping off surgery at the moment)!

There's no need to put pressure on yourself to be anything other than what you want to be at any given time, if that doesn't include climbing at the moment that's no big deal. It's your life and you can choose to make of it what you will so if you decide to take up baking, volunteer as a dog walker, focus on mountain biking or hill walking, as long as you're happy and you're not screwing things up for anyone else it doesn't really matter what you do.

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what the hex 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Lemming:

My experience of mental health support is that they are over-stretched and the help isn't necessarily there when you need it. It is invaluable though and shouldn't be dismissed outright. Also I think it's important to remember that CBT is a life skill and it can be helpful to revisit, even off your own back, so to speak.

There are no easy answers.

In the mean time, Wild Scallion, we are here, we are listening and we are looking out for you.

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Pefa 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I finished a course of CBT this may and was discharged.  

> Tried to look after myself, make plans to get out eat better , etc. 

> I find the world is generally configured to make humans unhappy though. 

> Living alone , little family , not much social interaction and it's not long before it cycles back periodically to bite me in the face.  

> Such as

> Why don't you have a partner and family? Even if the universe is destined be meaningless and pointless , at least I would have done my bit for my family and procreated.

> Why doesn't anybody like me ? 

> Why do anything ? 

> What is happiness?

> What is this thing I'm experiencing ? 

> What is the nature of reality ? 

> Why is the universe cruel ? .

> Endless existential questions to which there is no solid answer and I can't turn off to the extent that I become exhausted and have to spend days in bed not moving.  Getting more and more upset that what little life I have left is running out. 

There are solid answers to these questions if you look deeply enough so perhaps you could try changing your methods or approach, ye know? Coming at it from a different angle or taking just one matter at a time I mean if I was to try and suss out all these questions I think my wee brain would get pretty tired out to. 

I only know what you post on here and from that I see a kind, caring guy with a mischievous sense of humour so what's not to like? And an outdoors man to, great! Personally speaking politically and environmentally I have want to change the world since 14 years old but when I got intense about it I became an angry person which no one likes to be around and get lectures from. So I dropped the intense agitating for the sake of my health and friendships because I realised it wasn't worth it I can't change the world and so I decided to try acceptance of what is. 

If I'm feeling bored I just be bored, if I feel agitated or anxious then i just be anxious or agitated and do you know for me it sort of neutralises it, what I'm saying is its OK to not be OK and by doing so I am much calmer and hardly ever get so angry or wound up and when I do I just go straight to the breath for a bit and nothing else. it might look on the TV as if everyone is having a ball and is happy as fk and has tons of friends and is walking on sunshine but that is pure bullshit, that is not life for anyone. So I would say to you WS try be as kind and loving to yourself as you are to others sweetheart, have a cry, go and give someone you love a big hug and give yourself a big hug to. 

Sending a big hug from me. 

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Michael Hood 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Your "not eating" sounds very much like it's a "one area of my life I can control", and "I should only eat when I'm worthy" - this sounds very similar to the control aspects of bulimia & anorexia (somebody with better knowledge correct me if I'm wrong).

As a first step, try shifting your thinking slightly to "I'm always worthy of basic food to keep me alive and physically healthy", and when you've done something you consider "properly worthy", give yourself a food treat.

That still allows you to be in control, but you won't get the exacerbation to your state of mental health that being undernourished brings.

Good luck, keep talking and try and go with at least some of the advice and offers on here to help you move in the right direction. We're all rooting for you.

Post edited at 14:15
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Blue Straggler 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> Living alone , little family , not much social interaction 

That sounds a bit like me

> Such as

> Why don't you have a partner and family? Even if the universe is destined be meaningless and pointless , at least I would have done my bit for my family and procreated.

That’s not any sort of duty or destiny and sounds a bit like me

> Why doesn't anybody like me ? 

People SEEM to like me a bit but never super strongly ...

> Why do anything ? 

> What is happiness?

> What is this thing I'm experiencing ? 

> What is the nature of reality ? 

> Why is the universe cruel ? 

Most of us ask that from time to time. These need t be negative questions

Despite my responses to the above, I have worked to look it all in a positive way. Nothing you have written that I have quoted here, need be “bad”

Certainly nothing wrong with being a bit of a loner and definitely no duty to procreate.

I’ve enjoyed a lot of posts on here and hope to continue doing so.

Your creative outlets are greater than mine ! Nice one

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Pursued by a bear 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> I do realize that I'm a pain in the arse most of the time , and maybe posting here isn't a good idea.  

You're not and it is. Keep doing it.

You have more people that wish you well than perhaps you realise. Be kinder to yourself, in body and mind. And if you haven't been eating then the vicious cycle of negative thoughts can take over; the engine of recovery won't start until you put some fuel in the tank. Please eat something to get that engine running.

T.

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luke glaister 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Loads of love from people you dont know and most likely never will. Ukc at its brilliant best. But its love all the same. Fight the demons all the way. Never give up. Take one day at a time. Talk. Talk and more talk. It's all about the journey.  Embrace the good times. Smile and wave at the shit times. All the best

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BusyLizzie 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Please eat and get warm, because you are worth it, because we want you to, because you are part of the world. No man is an island...

Thank you for telling us. I am no good with words in these circumstances but I stand with the ukc group hug/hive mind/community, and we're all saying: be good to yourself, and keep talking.

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Ianto Bach 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

We've never met, although we've communicated a little on this forum. 

Your posts have a massive impact and I wish I could help in a way more concrete than replying with mere words.

Mental health conditions (including disordered eating) are very real illnesses that deserve to be and can be treated. 

Talking and opening up are positive steps, the response to your OP demonstrates people care and you are worthy. 

I'm not an expert, although I've extensive experience as a carer. Things can be better and the likelihood is they will be better. The more you can engage with others (healthcare professionals, others with similar experiences or others that care - like us on UKC), the more you'll know you aren't alone and the greater chance of getting through this crux that you're struggling with. 

Please, do not linger on harmful thoughts. If they are very strong and are becoming dominant, seek help. The Samaritans are always on hand, as are many on here.

Seek small and daily pleasures, don't focus on huge goals or objectives. Things will be better.

It's also okay to feel shitty at times - don't beat yourself up for that. Festering in a soaking tent is not usually top of the list of fun things to do.

Recalibration of expectations may help - I've learnt to accept it's unlikely I'll beat my 42 minute 10k, won't climb above E5, won't be a gazillionaire, won't cure diseases and won't get to many of the places I've dreamed of visiting. 

Being in remote places (even if they're on the doorstep), relishing in the rush of a downhill single track ride, enjoying the texture of skin on stone, having a pound more in my pocket than I need and maybe, just maybe, helping others through a tough time make things worthwhile.

Oh, and as others have said - eat. Without maintenance of your basal metabolic rate, you will feel worse and your malnourished brain will fail to function properly, leading to further disordered thinking.

You are worthy. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Hang in there TWS.

I

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Timmd 15 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I've occasionally had rather bleak thoughts, along the lines of humans being nuts, and actually rather selfish and disingenuous in their ways, but with me having no choice but to throw in my lot with humans because I happen to need them through being one as well, and then on other occasions, after experiencing the better side of people, I'll be thinking more along the lines of 'People can be lovely, and possibly most people are really'. On reflection, I think most people are looking for people who are looking for the best in people, and to look for that can mean that one finds it, because most people want to find other people who are friendly and who are nice to them.

Where I'm leading too, in this rambling post, is that how we view ourselves can be just as subjective, and can fluctuate, so all these thoughts you have about you being unworthy, and 'not good enough', very very likely have no foundation in reality. 

You certainly do have good qualities, because you wished me well on another thread you started, when I shared something of my own journey in dealing with depression and anxiety, and taking SSRI's for my mental health.

Edit: I had to break into my own porch this evening after losing my house keys, and was lucky enough to be disorganised enough that I could reach my spare key after a squeeze because I'd randomly left them nearby, found them while wedged half way though the narrow window. In the past I'd have beaten myself up, but it's just a bit of a pain in the arse in the scheme of things (nothing has been left irreparable and I can secure things before I go to bed). Be kind to yourself for being human and not perfect.

Post edited at 23:53
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I like climbing 16 Aug 2019
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Sorry you feel this way. Please talk to someone. Strangers can sometimes be better to talk to than people you know. Let me know if I can help.

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In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Good morning, 

As always everyone thanks for the supporting messages yesterday.  

I'm much better today, not cartwheeling out of bed but better.

I'm sorry i was so negative and distressed yesterday.   

I got home , warm ,dry some food and into bed to try and reset my chemistry. 

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Ianto Bach 07:30 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Very good to hear, please make sure you keep talking and keep up the fuel intake - it will help. Restricting food may give you control where you feel you have none, it's never good. If you need to exercise control, maybe bring your focus to controling a healthy meal plan.

Look after yourself

I

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BusyLizzie 07:39 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Good morning, and  we all wish you a better day today. 

Fwiw: when I am down I find that making something is helpful. Can be something quite small like a sandwich, or mending something, or making some music (as in just playing a song you've known for years, doesn't have to be a feat of composition).

Take care. And stay out of today's rain please!!

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subtle 10:38 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

> Good morning, 

> As always everyone thanks for the supporting messages yesterday.  

> I'm much better today, not cartwheeling out of bed but better.

> I'm sorry i was so negative and distressed yesterday.   

> I got home , warm ,dry some food and into bed to try and reset my chemistry. 

Nice one, being warm,dry and having some food in your belly helps

Glad you getting there. 

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spenser 13:06 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

No need to apologise for the way you were feeling, everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, people would much rather that you pipe up and say things aren't OK rather than bottling it all up and feeling even worse.

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AndySL 14:45 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Phew. Good to hear you're home and safe. Look after yourself TWS.

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In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Glad to hear you're home.  Don't forget to keep eating, that recovery engine needs to keep running; doesn't have to be big or clever or complicated but it does need to happen at least twice a day, better three.  A fried egg butty with cheese and HP sauce is probably my own too-knackered-to-think comfort food.

And while all those big, difficult questions are still there well, they're coming to no harm on their own.  Today, tomorrow and for as long as you please, you need only think about the small-scale stuff.  Take joy in doing the simple things as well as you're able, and don't rush to judge yourself.  Just do what's in front of you as that's all that needs doing for now.  Think small; think local; think kindly about you.  That's all you have to do, just that.  Enjoy doing it.

Tomorrow, the same.  Getting yourself back in balance will take time, and you can't hurry a good job.  And you will do a good job, in time.

T.

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marsbar 17:09 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Take care.  

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DerwentDiluted 17:59 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

TWS, I can't add anything to the responses above. I have the emotional intelligence of a fart in a jam jar. But I really would like to add my name to the big list of people here who are genuinely rooting for you, and need you to find a way through this to the light.

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Toerag 22:40 Fri
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

>  Oh pints .  I remember that particular avenue of pleasure was closed off to me 20 months ago due to my ability to over self medicate   

It's not closed off when you're drinking with someone that cares about you and will stop you over-medicating (unless you're an alcoholic and only complete abstinence helps).  There's plenty of people local to you on here, organise a gentle beer or two.

>Why don't you have a partner and family? Even if the universe is destined be meaningless and pointless , at least I would have done my bit for my family and procreated.

It doesn't matter. Some people get partners & families easily, some don't. Some relationships last, some don't. Some people don't find anyone until late in life, others find someone early, lose them and never find anyone after. You've loads of time.

>Why doesn't anybody like me ? 

That's not true and you know it.

>Why do anything ? 

Because it's more fun than doing nothing.

>What is happiness?

Happiness is all sorts of things to all sorts of people. It doesn't matter how often it happens or what it is.

>What is this thing I'm experiencing ? 

Depression. But you know that anyway so there's no need to ask the question. You don't need to ask why you suffer from it, all you need to do is work out how to manage it. Are you keeping up with the things you learnt on your CBT?

>What is the nature of reality ? 

This doesn't matter. It's not like you can do anything to change it, so why worry about it?

>Why is the universe cruel ? .

This doesn't matter. It's not always cruel anyway.

>Endless existential questions to which there is no solid answer and I can't turn off to the extent that I become exhausted and have to spend days in bed not moving.  Getting more and more upset that what little life I have left is running out. 

An ex-colleague once started thinking about the edge of the universe and what's outside it. "It must be 'nothing'...but there can't be nothing, there must be something." He didn't sleep for 2 days.

You don't have little life left. You've lots to give, both to others and to yourself.  It's good that you're happier today, as said upthread, the best thing you can do is sort out your eating, you'll find everything easier if you're fuelled up.

Post edited at 22:42
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marsbar 08:39 Sat
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

I think you should see the GP this week.  CBT can be helpful but it sounds like you need more than that at some points. 

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Timmd 18:57 Sat
In reply to The Wild Scallion:

Eat more food, and go see your doctor and try taking some pills mate, you've nothing to lose by taking them, because you can always stop again, and you might feel better. 

All the negative thoughts you have about yourself, ring true for me because I used to have them as well. 

If you don't take the pills, please keep an eye on your thoughts about yourself, and question all the negative ones....

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marsbar 19:53 Sat
In reply to Timmd:

I'd agree with all of that.  

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Paul Sagar 20:12 Sat

Just going to put in a +1 for trying anti-depressants. I resisted using them for years, then nearly didn’t survive. They have completely changed my life - saved it, even. TWS I’ve been exactly in the hole you are in right now, thinking exactly the same thoughts about how I would never get better. But I did. It is simply untrue that your future is locked in. The future’s not set, there’s no fate but what we make. 

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marsbar 20:37 Sat
In reply to Paul Sagar:

I'd also say they saved my life.  

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Timmd 21:02 Sat
In reply to marsbar: I can't say if they saved my life, but they helped to stop me from feeling hopeless and worthless.

Post edited at 21:04
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