Grief sneaking up on you.

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 Morty 08 Jul 2021

Grief takes me by surprise sometimes.  It might be a song, a place, a comment, a smell or any other random thing.  It might be a date (less unexpected). My experience of loss ranges from the immediate and traumatic, through close and unexpected, to times when it was clearly inevitable.  I don't feel as though I wallow in it, or that it stops me functioning, but I do sometimes wonder why I can't just let some of it go.   

Most of the time I feel a bit moody for a few days, maybe having a bit of a dwell on stuff, but then the feeling goes away.  

I'm not sure what my question is really.  Is this how everyone feels?  Will I always feel like this?  I suspect that without amnesia you could never really be free from grief? 

As I'm typing this I am conscious of feeling as though it seems as though I am having a moan or whinging, but that's not my intention.  I feel a bit confused by it all really.  I supposed that I have decided to acknowledge that sometimes I might feel sad just out of the blue for a bit - but that's okay and that it will pass. 

How do others feel about this stuff?

 Stichtplate 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

The first line of Anna Karenina is "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." From my own experience grief follows the same rule in as much as it takes everyone differently. Different time scales, different intensity, different methods of coping (or not coping). 

Some people need to get it all out immediately, some need to bottle it up. Some will deal with it in small chunks while for others it can sneak up on them and completely devastate them months, or even years down the line.

Your reaction is totally normal in as much as it’s completely individual to you. It’ll only become an issue if you personally feel it’s overly impacting how you’d prefer to be living your life.

 elsewhere 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

I found grief changes to missing them then eventually fondly remembering them. I very occasionally dream about my late parents, somehow in the dream I know they are dead but their presence makes for really enjoyable dreams. I still sometimes think "that's something my mother will like to hear about when I call her".

The love remains and the sadness fades.

Loss of elderly parents must be very different from loss of child, something sudden or something traumatic.

 SouthernSteve 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Stichtplate:

'A person lives for as long as we carry them inside us' - sometimes very painful and unexpected. 

 abr1966 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

Time makes a big difference....it sounds like your loss is relatively recent, forgive me if I am wrong!

It is absolutely unique to each of us and can come and go....and come back again without pattern and at unexpected times.

Most people will feel a bit more settled after a year or two....depending on who has passed and other multiple factors.

Bereavement support helps some people who struggle with it....its very common.

Try and be kind to yourself, it can often lead one to feeling a bit depersonalised, a bit unreal or a touch mad.....but it does get easier in time.

Best wishes..

 BusyLizzie 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

All that you say resonates with me. 23 years ago yesterday my elder son was born, and lived for four days. I don't need an anniversary to remind me. I don't wallow. I am, insofar as one ever is (and that's a big proviso) healed. But to forget would be a terrible loss. Occasionally things jump out at me and go for the diaphragm unexpectedly and make my eyes leak, and then for a moment he is with me again, warm in my hands ...

Grief is a strange companion. Strange to everyone in different ways. Don't drive it away. Let your tears flow when they choose to, enjoy peace when it spends a while with you.

Whatever your loss, I wish you peace and a good journey.

 wintertree 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

Smell can absolutely blind side you by triggering decades old memories in a way nothing else can.

> How do others feel about this stuff?

Time marches endlessly on, and whilst a rolling stone gathers no moss it does seem to accrue responsibilities; they take priority over letting my mind spend to too long in a past that is set in stone.  A focus on goals and responsibilities gives me a framework to keep grief in its place.   Finding forwards looking lessons from grief is a lot more useful than playing “what if X” or “if only I’d done Y” games.

 Bobling 08 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

Something I've found is the mental grief and the physical grief can sometimes visit at different times.  You're not feeling particularly sad or focussing on your loss but your body decides "Right, I'm going to have a little cry now".

I had a bereavement (a pet one, but very unexpected) on Tuesday of this week.  For me right now I hate the instant I wake up each morning and realise it wasn't a bad dream.

I'm sorry for your loss. 

Post edited at 22:38
 DaveHK 08 Jul 2021
In reply to elsewhere:

> I found grief changes to missing them then eventually fondly remembering them. > The love remains and the sadness fades.

"And the days will pass with baffled faces,

then the weeks, then the months,

then there will be a day when no question is asked,

and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach

and the puffed faces will calm.

And on that day he will not have ceased

but will have ceased to be separated by death"

From 'So Many Different Lengths Of Time' by Brian Patten.

 Timmd 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

You're certainly not the only one. I lost my Mum in 2013, and found last year that my feelings had settled somewhat, like I'd arrived at a place of peace, and on the way back from a cycle just now, I found myself feeling somewhat wistful that she's not still around.

The fond memories help, and may form most of the thread of feelings, but there's bound to be a pang felt here and there. If we didn't love those we miss, it wouldn't hurt, too. I think there's a lot of truth in grief being love with nowhere to go.

I hope within time you reach a stage of fond memories.

Post edited at 00:28
 Moacs 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

> I'm not sure what my question is really.  Is this how everyone feels?

Don't know...but I certainly recognise your description and I suspect lots of people will

> Will I always feel like this? 

Don't know...but I think it changes over time rather than goes. Although it stings a bit, I like the feeling. It reassures me that I still care and still value the time. It's become a softer ache I suppose.

> I suspect that without amnesia you could never really be free from grief? 

I think that's true.

 Crazylegs 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

I recommend a podcast series called Griefcast by Cariad Lloyd. There's quite an extensive back catalogue now of guests talking about their grief and memories of loved ones, friends and even pets. It has really helped me understand and process my own sometimes confusing feelings. The one with Jill Halfpenny is good - what she shares is very sad but she is clearly highly emotionally intelligent.

 Shani 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

After 26 years, on occasion, I'm still hit powerfully by the weight of loss. Something specific may trigger it or it will simply emerge from deep within my mind at an unexpected moment.

It's an unhealed wound. I'm torn between the pain that is still there and the happiness from seeing a loved one again in my minds eye.

Grief isn't a jacket you can take off, grief is a skin you grow in to.

 ThunderCat 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

My first experience of grief (outside of pets) was when my Granda died when I was about 17 and it knocked me sideways because I loved him very much and he meant the world to me.

But it's mellowed a bit over the past 30 odd years and it became more of a poignant memory than grief as such.  He lived a long full life and gave us all a lifetime of love and great memories 

But what I've found over the past four years after the birth of my first grandaughter (and the second one who arrived 6 months ago) is that I'm thinking about him a hell of a lot more and a lot more strongly than I had been.  In an absolutely positive way I must add, but I find it impossible to think about my grandaughters without automatically thinking about my Granda, and his role in my life and how those two roles are now transposed on to me and the girls.  How I want to be as awesome a Granda to these two monkeys as he was to me, and how I want to be that safe, steady, utterly reliable rock that they can turn to when they need something or when home life gets a bit too hectic.  Never letting them down.  Never.  Always there at the drop of a hat.

He never raised a hand to me or even raised his voice but I never ever played up to him out of sheer love and respect.  Time spent with him was the best time even if it was doing nothing, just watching Bullseye on a dull sunday afternoon.  Every interaction with the girls instantly brings back thoughts of him and his voice and face are always on my mind.  But yeah, smells - that's  an instant link back to him too.  I helped him a lot in the garden as he grew a lot of veg.  Sounds a bit wrong but the smell of manure is one of the triggers that brings him back to me   Mrs TC and I visited Iceland a few years back and went to see a farm where they grow tomatoes inside of these huge tents, all heated by geothermal heat.  The smell of tomato plants and the memory it brought back kicked me right in the feels

It's an odd emotion to try and explain - it's like the joy of the grandaughters sits happily alongside the pang / feeling of absence of my Granda that the girls evoke, and the memories of the pain of losing him and of all the things we never did or said together because we thought we'd always have time for it... but it all feels like a very positive kind of grief, if that's at all possible...?  Does that make sense?  I don't want to stop 'grieving' for him at all because that would belittle how much he actually meant to me.  There are some relationships within the current family where certain members aren't close at all to their grandkids, not making the effort to keep in contact and we just know that when they die, they'll be forgotten about within a couple of years and I find that desperately sad for all concerned

I'm actually sitting here with my eyes full and my throat closing up now so before I go any more off topic I need to go dunk my head in the sink

Edited to say it's just a bit of grit in my eye, obviously

Post edited at 13:21
OP Morty 09 Jul 2021
In reply to BusyLizzie:

> All that you say resonates with me. 23 years ago yesterday my elder son was born, and lived for four days. I don't need an anniversary to remind me. I don't wallow. I am, insofar as one ever is (and that's a big proviso) healed. But to forget would be a terrible loss. Occasionally things jump out at me and go for the diaphragm unexpectedly and make my eyes leak, and then for a moment he is with me again, warm in my hands ...

> Grief is a strange companion. Strange to everyone in different ways. Don't drive it away. Let your tears flow when they choose to, enjoy peace when it spends a while with you.

> Whatever your loss, I wish you peace and a good journey.

I've written this reply over and over again but anything that I write seems inadequate in response to the depth of feeling expressed in your post.  Your words are beautiful and they helped me a lot.  I'm sorry for you loss -  peace and a good journey to you too.

OP Morty 09 Jul 2021
In reply to ThunderCat:

> My first experience of grief (outside of pets) was when my Granda died when I was about 17 and it knocked me sideways because I loved him very much and he meant the world to me.

> But it's mellowed a bit over the past 30 odd years and it became more of a poignant memory than grief as such.  He lived a long full life and gave us all a lifetime of love and great memories 

> But what I've found over the past four years after the birth of my first grandaughter (and the second one who arrived 6 months ago) is that I'm thinking about him a hell of a lot more and a lot more strongly than I had been.  In an absolutely positive way I must add, but I find it impossible to think about my grandaughters without automatically thinking about my Granda, and his role in my life and how those two roles are now transposed on to me and the girls.  How I want to be as awesome a Granda to these two monkeys as he was to me, and how I want to be that safe, steady, utterly reliable rock that they can turn to when they need something or when home life gets a bit too hectic.  Never letting them down.  Never.  Always there at the drop of a hat.

> He never raised a hand to me or even raised his voice but I never ever played up to him out of sheer love and respect.  Time spent with him was the best time even if it was doing nothing, just watching Bullseye on a dull sunday afternoon.  Every interaction with the girls instantly brings back thoughts of him and his voice and face are always on my mind.  But yeah, smells - that's  an instant link back to him too.  I helped him a lot in the garden as he grew a lot of veg.  Sounds a bit wrong but the smell of manure is one of the triggers that brings him back to me   Mrs TC and I visited Iceland a few years back and went to see a farm where they grow tomatoes inside of these huge tents, all heated by geothermal heat.  The smell of tomato plants and the memory it brought back kicked me right in the feels

> It's an odd emotion to try and explain - it's like the joy of the grandaughters sits happily alongside the pang / feeling of absence of my Granda that the girls evoke, and the memories of the pain of losing him and of all the things we never did or said together because we thought we'd always have time for it... but it all feels like a very positive kind of grief, if that's at all possible...?  Does that make sense?  I don't want to stop 'grieving' for him at all because that would belittle how much he actually meant to me.  There are some relationships within the current family where certain members aren't close at all to their grandkids, not making the effort to keep in contact and we just know that when they die, they'll be forgotten about within a couple of years and I find that desperately sad for all concerned

> I'm actually sitting here with my eyes full and my throat closing up now so before I go any more off topic I need to go dunk my head in the sink

> Edited to say it's just a bit of grit in my eye, obviously

I've just had to dunk my head in the sink too after reading your reply.  There must be a lot of this grit about.   You are a good good man and I bet you are a brilliant grandad. 

 BusyLizzie 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

Lovely of you to reply, though there was no need. 

 Yanis Nayu 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

I found grief utterly unpredictable. As others have said people seem to have their own experience. 
 

Best wishes to you and others on the thread who have shared their stories. 

 Yanis Nayu 09 Jul 2021
In reply to ThunderCat:

My grandad and I were really close and had a similar relationship as you and yours. He used to look over at me lovingly and squeeze my knee when we were in the car together. When my daughter was little I’d naturally do the same to her, and one day it dawned on me how he felt about me, based on how I felt about her. Absolutely wiped me out.  

 ThunderCat 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Morty:

> I've just had to dunk my head in the sink too after reading your reply.  There must be a lot of this grit about.   You are a good good man and I bet you are a brilliant grandad. 

Having the eldest one over for a sleepover tonight and she's currently getting bathed by Mrs TC. I'm making the use of the quiet time to play with lego... 

 ThunderCat 09 Jul 2021
In reply to Yanis Nayu:

> My grandad and I were really close and had a similar relationship as you and yours. He used to look over at me lovingly and squeeze my knee when we were in the car together. When my daughter was little I’d naturally do the same to her, and one day it dawned on me how he felt about me, based on how I felt about her. Absolutely wiped me out.  

She seemed to take a little longer than average to start taking (although she makes up for it now). One day she toddled into the lounge with my work photo pass and I pointed to the picture and asked her who it was and she said "granda". Think my heart nearly fell out. We talk lots about my granda and the things we used to do when I was her age. It's great to be able to make that connection


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