UKH

Mums partner died on Saturday afternoon.

I'd known them for 32 years. It's so sad.

Been trying to keep a brave face on things and I'm sure it will all be ok in the end . But right now, it feels like crap. Lots of paperwork to sort out.

😖

TWS

I thought the paperwork was the worst of it, along with trying to notify relatives and arrange the funerals. House clearing was also tough.

There's no easy advice, other than you can handle it. It's something all of us have to deal with, and eventually get through. Also it might also hit you a few months down the line.

Thinking of you TWS. Hang in there.

We are thinking of you.  Keep yourself busy with getting back to work and make sure you get out doing other things.  Keep up going to the wall and try to get outside even if just for some walks.  The evening light is lovely at the moment.

Thank you.

I've done a few things already. So there's nothing much I can do today .    I've booked the wall for a few hours this afternoon.   I start work again tomorrow.  

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Aw shit, sorry to hear that TWS.

Hang in there dude.  All the best.

The paperwork processes are I think designed to be so tedious to help people focus their energies on it as catharsis.  If you’re not hiring a solicitor it’s worth getting a half dozen copies of the death certificate when you go to the registry office.

Hang in there and remember holding it together is far more important than looking like you’re holding it together.

Eating is being brave.  

Sorry to hear that mate.

You need to support your mum, but don't forget to look after yourself. If you can't see your mum as often as you'd like, then face time or similar, is a good option. Just the face to face contact is welcome.

Sorry

re the paperwork:

Tell Us Once (https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell...) is helpful and can save a lot of foot slogging.

Also Death Notification Service https://www.deathnotificationservice.co.uk/ but you may prefer to approach banks and utilities direct, so as not to have bounced/unpaid bills and bounced direct debits etc.

If you are minded and have the time and energy and are methodical, you can do a lot of the paperwork yourself which will save time (and legal costs if you go that route).

That's tough, it can feel like an implosion almost (or it did do for me), but somehow one does get through it and out the other side, I felt like my sense of self got lost a little bit, and then it returned and I felt 'just as Tim' as I'd always been. I possibly wouldn't be putting too much pressure on yourself to support your mum, iirc me and my Dad found mutual support in one another just from sharing the same space, and in circles we both had to draw on a little bit too. I found out recently that my oldest bro kicked my Dad up the behind to go to the doctor about being depressed, and he went onto anti depressants for a little while following my Mum passing, whatever gets one through in the end I guess. 

Edit: Any stability which you might feel lessening from this point on will eventually return again, it somehow does.

My Mum died in April in a care home (not of the virus). I found the hardest thing was not having people around me, so zooming etc really helped. I suggest trying to keep in touch regularly with the relatives, and look after each other. Unexpected feelings can crop up which are difficult to deal with; Mum really struggled with the last year or two of her life, was quite depressed and tended to blame her family, so I had feelings of relief and guilt all mixed up!

If the estate is your responsibility and it's simple, you should be able to do it yourself without too much problem.

Best wishes
ff

My fave sis in law found herself randomly crying while sorting out elderly people with hearing aids after losing her Dad, she's a sweetie and wears her heart on her sleeve, and she had a few of them over a cup of tea telling her that losing the first parent is the hardest thing one goes through, with that in mind, keep a spark of hope that things will return back to feeling okay again. I'd probably liken it to being in an emotional washing machine, which different feelings coming at you and the sense of how the world is having been shaken up (a certain sense of vulnerability or a reduction in confidence may arrive for a time). I didn't have any routine or structure to life at the time, having that would have potentially helped. It's really important to reach out to people where one can do, around the pondering and reflecting and processing which goes on.

Sorry to hear that. In my experience the death of parents is much worse than people anticipate. My mother told me about ten years ago that she missed her own father every day, and he died in 1965. The only thing one can say is that you are not alone.

jcm

I do think of my Mum everyday, but I don't have the same ache in my heart everyday which I felt earlier on, that only occurs every so often. I recently texted my sis in law to say that my feelings had settled now to do with my Mum, and she responded that that spoke volumes about where I've got to, and that my oldest bro had had a little cry that day or the day before about her, which has stopped for me now. It's definitely really hard, and soul searching to get through, but the missing her which I experience now, is more something of a mild ache compared to the sharp pain it once was, and one adapts and lives with it. I think if I could tell myself something with the benefit of hindsight, it would be that during those dark moments of bleakness where I wondered if I'd ever be the same again, it's that I'd come out the other side and learn to enjoy my friends and being alive once again.

It's definitely a mangle to go through before things begin to lift again, though, no doubt about that.

That's rough, dude: good luck with it.

And, as at least one of the other folks have said, look after yourself, too.

Just remember that if you didn't feel sad about it all that would be far more worrying. The fact that you care reflects positively on you as a person.  It will get easier.

Sad to hear that. Your mum will be so glad to have you around.

When my mum died 18 months ago I was amazed at how well-designed and straightforward the online probate system is - don't know if that task will fall to you, but if it does take heart.

Hi TWS, I'm so sorry to hear your terrible news. The days may seem dark and long at the moment but you will cope and they will lighten.

I had three close bereavements within 8 months last year, I lost my mother in law, my father and  my young nephew took his own life not long after my father died.

I was offered counselling by my employers and thought why not? It really helped despite me  being skeptical.  Just to be able to discuss the raw emotion to someone who would listen but had no ties to anyone was such a release and cathartic for me.

 I learnt a couple of new things,

Grief  doesn't lessen , but life will build layers around it that will help  you cope. These layers expand and contract so the grief  will seem less some days and more on others. Time doesn't heal , it just allows more layers to be added.

You will feel lonely, but you will never be alone.  This forum has shown this . There will always be someone there to listen.

and finally its OK not be OK.  If you feel you're not coping, that's fine,  tell someone.

I hope this is ok and not too much.

It does get easier, and you , your mum and her partner are in many peoples thoughts this evening.

Really sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself

Thanks again everyone.

Sorted a few other things yesterday. 

Back to earning a living this morning. 

TWS

Sorry to hear your bad news mate.

Grief can be awful, I have heard it likened to a box with an emotional pain button and a bouncy ball. As time goes on the box gets bigger.

With time I have come to understand that I feel greatful for the person's time in my life rather than sad that they are now gone. 

Thanks Spenser.

are you still visiting the climbing unit ?

I am probably going to start back in the near future, currently up in Scotland doing some Munros (i.e. Being rained on a lot, heading over to Mull today). 

Sounds good. 

I started back at the wall last week , so if your around sometime it would be nice see you.

I should be back next Thursday, feel free to let me know when you are heading down.