UKH

Hi Hivemind,

I'm tired and can't think of any suitable puns, but the grit of it is: 

What's the consensus of using moss instead of toilet paper? Assuming usual protocols are followed, digging a pit and burying the waste etc. Moss worked great for millennia and minimises human impact.

1st every corner of the Internet talked about toilet paper, now its biodegredable toilet paper, but aren't we all missing a trick?

Are there any scary negatives? Waiting ticks? Rare diseases?


 

Got a tick last time I used it, washing with water might be safer.

Scary negatives? Not in my experience, unless you're alarmed about cruds and dangleberries .... A crack-and-sac job might help?

The worst I ever had to use was lichen - a whole new world of gravel rash.

I never carry paper and always rely on vegetation in the outdoors. Moss is certainly the most luxurious way of wiping one's arse, but I do sometimes wonder whether it is right to use such a slow growing plant, and prefer to opt for grass in more fragile mountain areas. If vegetation is not available or not appropriate, I just use stones.

Worse than heather?

whore frost works too

Absolutely no negatives, if I can ever afford a house of my own my bathroom will have a moss wall in I an readily source from so I never need to buy paper again.

The highlight of a wilderpoo for me is the moss wipe.

I've been spending some time up at Ffynnon Lloer above Ogwen recently, the moss up there is incredibly rare, the thought of someone wild camping up there and using it to wipe their arse is horrific!

Not the best video but it does explain that not all moss is equal....

youtube.com/watch?v=eZvWy-UTPnc&

Rime surely? In fact a compacted snowball is ideal. It has all the advantages of water without getting shitty fingers and can be V-shaped to one's arse's specifications. 

According to some mad French monk who wrote a book about two giants and their adventures, the best toilet paper is a gooses neck:

“But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.”

As for damaging moss, why not wipe with it in situ? 

Round stones are the way to go. Collect a selection in advance of various sizes.

Especially, when it's still attached to the rock. Heather is 'ivory quilted' by comparison I think. Ferns are surprisingly effective, particularly when wet. I know ticks might seem an issue but I've never gotten one while arse wiping - maybe ticks can sense it's not a good way to go?

It's a bit of a niche subject, but I believe the literary authority on such matters is Stephen Pern, who discusses various options in his account of walking the Continental Divide. You might enjoy the following passage; he certainly seems to.

"I never used paper - it is a hassle to bury and alternatives were always to hand, of which by far the best were rocks. A lichen covered stone is the equal to any tissue on the market; dry twigs are no worse than old-fashioned hard paper; but foliage, which might seem to be the most suitable, is often the least good of all, and especially bad from this point of view is spruce [...] There had been no loose stones within reach and, having broken off an intrusive frond, I now steeled myself for the application which hygiene demanded. Englemann spruce is about as soothing as a stiff wire brush, but the expected scourging did not come. I even experienced slight pleasure. I looked sharply down at the frond in my hand and then glanced up at the tree. It looked no different from the rest, but my backside had insisted otherwise. It was actually a fir, one of the seventeen sorts of conifer I eventually encountered. By the end of the journey I could tell them apart with my eyes shut."

You're all wrong. If your position is right your anatomy will allow you to nip it off cleanly with no need for extended cleansing.

I was once sitting in my agent's car stuck in one of the interminable traffic jams in Lagos. Pedestrians were thronging around the car in an incredible hubub of shouts and human interaction. Suddenly a man stopped beside the car, lifted his robe, squatted, nipped one off on the road and rose and walked away in such a smooth movement that it was a few moments before I even realised what he had done. He certainly didn't need to sit for 20 minutes with a copy of Private Eye like I do.

Agreed.

I wonder if one could make a snow machine that would fit into a normal bathroom. Not only is it incredibly effective but there's no risk of blocking the cludge.

3 shells method.

Use the "Asian method", i.e. wash with water.

I think you mean “Hoar” frost.

wiping ones arse with a frosty whore isn’t recommended. 

Don't knock it till you try it...

Surely a healthy diet and a healthy gut means little or no wiping required ? 

Where's Num Num when we need him?

Mrs num num has gone feral again and he's too busy trying to sort out that shit storm to post on UKC.

Fire and lots of it.

Personally I prefer to use moss, grass or leaves for the main job then clean up with a wet wipe afterwards...which I then put into a freezer bag for disposal back home. I'm sure I have buried toilet paper in the past, but thinking back, it's far too much like littering for my liking.

When I was a kid we had a dog who used to eat sh*t. If they'd bred from him there'd now be a much sought after breed of outdoor dog. A shitapoo?

There is such a dog - a labrador! Apart from that delightful habit - perfect.

Surely they simply smear it? I'd use a stone with an edge (see the 3 shells method).

It’s not equal, fortunately the near-ubiquitous Sphagnum gives the finest wipe

Stirling idea.  

the spaelling was by choice!

sphagnum is the conoisseur's wipe.

 you could use soil to clean your weapon after you've used it

There’s nowt better than a good schist .

Tollund Man was found to have a roll of Izal Medicated with him.  Rumour has it that’s were the phrase Bog Roll comes from.

My nightly sphagnum and wild shit is well looked forward to, and as the mrs is into pegging, a weevil scurrying up me arse is the least of my worries.

Thats gneiss.

Dare I say it? It's the latest outdoor trend - Wild Pooing.

Not really the "latest" trend. Kathleen Meyer's acclaimed book "How To Shit In The Woods" was published in 1989!

Does this make me a hipster for extolling its virtues for the past 15 years?

A new trend to go with wild camping and wild cycling.. 

Wild shitting. 

Seem effective. Fine grained sandstone is ideal. Limestone perhaps a bit smeary, as you suggest. Schist is a bit sharp and risky.

So if you were caught short and needed some in a hurry, you'd have to 'pebble dash' to avoid pebbledashing your undies.

Perhaps there'd be a market among UKCers for a technical kilt?

Poo Bare?

Not that new: it had already been trendy for 9 hours and 27 minutes...

Ahh, must read all the comments on a thread in future 😂

Always someone that's done it first with trends! 

Just be sure not to mistake giant hogweed for dock leaves...

Might help?

https://www.lockdownloo.com/?fbclid=IwAR0VM93R_CmY3mq3vJlkwBYGaIRzhLwRxs-T7...

This has exceeded my wildest comedic dreams. Thank you all.

Just wait till the inevitable articles in mainstream lifestyle mags appear and #glamshitting starts trending on insta, there will be no moss left anywhere...

I think he meant.. hoar frost

A slight application of vaseline pre poo, no paper required unless previous Vindaloo. A search for fine stone prior, use and throw as far as possible

Sphagnum moss is natures wet wipe.

I did, but I chose an alternative spelling

My experiences with wild poos are:

Moss - good, especially if damp, but beware plucking it up with soil attached or esle it can make the clean up job bigger.  I'd never considered ticks and now might reconsider in future.

Grass and lichen - a lot more abrasive than I expected.

Snow - refreshing, but the experience hinges on the crystalline structure.  Compacted powder beats moss.  Neve is worse than Lichen.

A DIY "sanitising wet wipe" fashioned from antibacterial alcohol gel smeared onto a tissue - NEVER AGAIN.  Felt like a swarm of wasps had directly attacked my anus, and the pleasant warming afterglow wasn't worth the up-front searing pain.  The litter burned very well though.

Bear in mind the modern sewerage system can't really handle anything that doesn't disintegrate on flush so there is little room to innovate from the humble bog roll.  The "flushable" wet wipe (cotton bud, inter-dental toothbrush....) is considered devil spawn by the unfortunate individual tasked with clearing the pumps and screens at the local wastewater works.  So think twice about adopting these practices at home - especially the pebbles.

I have never wiped my bum with anything as effective or delightful as sphagnum moss. Nature's wet wipe: one wipe and you're done.

If I have to go outside (and I have been quite successful recently in avoiding this, as a runner) , then I use whatever green stuff is to hand. Never toilet paper. Sphagnum moss or large soft leaves are best, shiny leaves such as Hart's tongue fern aren't quite as good and bracken is the worst. I have never tried stones.

Remind me not to leave my green buff near you!!